~I Cried For You Today~

I cried for you today but unlike other days, it was different.
Since your death, I find it hard not to cry. Tears will fall at some point in the day. Sometimes with reason, other times for none at all. Sometimes I know they are coming, others not. What was different with today is I didn't cry 'because of you' I cried 'for you'....but rAiN...she did cry plenty of rAiNcRiEs for you'....Today I cried.

I have been reading a lot of different things, from your fans across the world. So many people I have met from so many different countries. Their stories become my story, and my story becomes theirs. In the end...it becomes 'our story'. All of us, in the millions, no matter what the situation is in some part of every fans story you seem to see a glimpse of your own Michael Jackson story. Weather it be the same age you became a fan, or what the first song you heard was, your favorite tour, for us woman...The gold pants *wink*. No matter what it is, somehow we all have a connection. And you Michael are our connection. Although it's funny, you can tell us old school fans and followers from the new generation. You see their age, and hear something like, 'My first Michael Jackson song I heard was You Are Not Alone, I was 7 years old and loved him since' Then you hear us old timers. Some go back to watching you on the Ed Sullivan show, others it was Off the Wall, or Thriller. But no matter what...all of us around the world are connected by your L.O.V.E

For me you are so many things but there is so much you aren't just...to me. Like a musician that I have followed my whole life. You aren't just someone that I have held higher then most things. That I have had the most respect, and undying love for. Michael you are so much more to me then this. I didn't think that I could respect and love you any more then I already did. Until I sat down and reminisced and was overwhelmed when I realize just how much you have given to me, and brought to my life. You did this, not just for me, but for millions upon millions of people from every point of the world.

You have given me many of my life's 'firsts'. From the very beginning my first adventure. I mean real adventure. At 5 years old...my first rule breaker, doing it...knowing the consequence. Realizing it, but still going for what my heart told me to do. I did this...and found you. My first 'crush'. My first 'beat'. Now when I say beat, I mean musically. Thriller...how that beat impacted my lil' 5 year old soul. It's that impact I still carry with me today, the same beat that still boom booms in my brain. There are so many 'firsts' I couldn't possibly list them all.

I cried for you today, after spending the day with my nephew. He is so in love with you Michael. My lil' mini me. He watches you with such intensity, with such purity, and love. The same silly look I had on my face at 5 years old. He wants so desperately to dance like you, and sing your songs...not only for himself but for me. Yesterday as he left my house I said to him. "Alright J, go and rock out with Michael". He said 'Oh don't you worry Aunty I will. And when I get big I'm gonna dance, and sing, and look just like him so you wont be as sad, and you wont miss him as much Aunty'

Gosh, even a 5 year old can see the pain raining out of my pours...God I'm crying for you Michael.



I cried for you today...but it's not like its been before. In a couple hours we will be welcoming a new decade, a brand new year...without you. How do we do this? How do we stop our tears? Tell me how do I stop crying for you?

Cause today I cried for you...and I can't stop.


~rAiNcRiEs
12.31.09~5:36pm

~Warm Cup Of Milk~

The over zelus look on a child's face
when they receive exactly what they desire
is one of the most heart warming feelings you can get.
It sits in your stomach
like a warm cup of milk nurturing your soul
Knowing....you took part in the creation of that smile.

~rAiNcRiEs~
12.27.09
11:32am

~The Movie~

The movie will begin in five moments
The mindless voice announced
All those unseated will await the next show.

We filed slowly, languidly into the hall
The auditorium was vast and silent
As we seated and were darkened, the voice continued.

The program for this evening is not new
You've seen this entertainment through and through
You've seen your birth your life and death
you might recall all of the rest
Did you have a good world when you died?
Enough to base a movie on?.

I'm getting out of here
Where are you going?
To the other side of morning
Please don't chase the clouds, pagodas

It's alright, all your friends are here
When can I meet them?
After you've eaten
I'm not hungry
Uh, we meant beaten

Silver stream, silvery scream

Oooooh, impossible concentration.

~Jim Morrison

Now It's Just Forgiving Myself?

So for a very long time I have been struggling with terrorizing myself over my actions, and basically who I was when I was younger and in school. As I have written before on here, Ms. Jill Peacocke my English teacher for wow, um a good (not in that sense!) couple years had been on my mind and I had been humming and thinking about her. I was determined to find her, and that I did. I must say. The internet is a scary place. www.goggle.ca and 2 words found her 'Peacocke' 'teacher' Bam there she was! Now that I had her 'job email' in my hands it was preparing myself to write her.

On Highland Secondary website I saw that not only does she still teach English but now also Psychology. Okay yep I buy that. I mean she was basically doing that since I have known her anyways.

I will admit I was extremely scared. That little girl back in grade 8 came up out of me. But my heart had to say what I needed to say, and I had to know that she 'knew' and heard not only my feelings, but my sincere apology and my thanks.

I entitled it Ms. Peacocke....It's me 'Calnan'

I can't imagine what went racing across her brain when she saw that in her email box the next morning. But when I awoke there was a reply waiting for me on my phone. This is what I opened up:

Well, Miss Calnan,
this is quite an email.
First, thank you for such kind words. Second, you have always been amazing, but nobody is really 'normal' in grade 8!! You were who you were..teachers have pretty tough skins, and don't take much personally. What I do love though, is that you are finding your way, and that is what really matters.
I do love my kids, and I am glad that love travelled with you. It is supposed to.
And a bit of you travels with me.
So, as I race off to get ready for class, I send you a big hug and a thank you for thinking of me. As Tennyson says in one of his poems, "I am a part of all that I have met"..we travel together still.
much love,
ms p

I couldn't believe it. After what I put this woman through for years...she still manages to say to me...'you have always been amazing'.

That single quote proves to me again...that she is one of my Gifts of Reasoning From God!

And even though I have said it before, and now have said it to her I will say it again:

'So many times you should have walked away from me...but you didn't. And because of your strength and endurance I am better because of you. Thank you so much Ms. P for everything you have ever done for me. You were truly a blessing in disguise in my life, I'm sorry it took me so many years to realize...and to say thank you.'

Now I guess it's just forgiving myself?
We'll get to that in another post!

Cheers!
rAiN

Fiction, or Paranormal Delusion?

'You Can't Miss What I Never Gave You -
Miss What I Left Behind For You'

~Mistaken Delusions~

What is it about dreams that makes us strive to understand them?
Why do we allow them so much power we let them take over our restful sleep?

I have been dreaming, dreaming things I never imagined.
Dreaming things that seem so realistic, dreaming the truth -
Yet none is possible, and nothing makes sense
But I know my mind wont rest
until these dreams are made of sense.

Lately its hard for me to differ my nightmares from dreams.
When it comes down to it, the nightmares have become my dreams.
They are usually of the same subject, displaying the same faces, the same things.
Leaving me with more unanswered questions and mistaken delusions.
I don't know what it is about dreams that captivates me, pulls me in so close.
Puts a hold on my mind so that they are always thought about.

Some people say dreams are just an illusion of your subconsciousness.
It has been said you dream heavily if you go to sleep restless.
Or if you think continuously, you will usually dream of the last thing
you thought of. I don't know if i completely believe that.
In the last week I have been dreaming of my departed grandmother. I wouldn't call them nightmares, they are in fact dreams. i haven't been thinking about her, to where I would have continuous dreams.

My memories of my Nan are all good. She was always very good to us, to all her grandchildren - my only bad memory of her is in fact the day she passed away. I was late in getting to the hospital - she had already passed away with our family around her. By the time I got there they were placing her lifeless body into a blue bag. My last image of my Nan is her being wheeled down to the morgue in that bag.

Which is where the first dream takes place. The day she passed January 29th 2000. Except my dream changed the way she died. After that, night after night, dreams with her in them come and come. Then other people of importance in my life start to involve inside of them.

Christmas at the old family house...our last Christmas together.

I don't know...now while writing this maybe its the guilt mixed with the regret, maybe I'm dreaming of memories, or maybe it's just that time of year .

I'm the type of person who is determined to have things make sense. If I can't right away, I will do everything for it to happen. Usually I'm successful but I must confess my dreams of defeated me this time. And this doesn't sit well with me. Inside my soul, all the way to my defeated brain.

Is it my insomnia that is taking part in this? Is it forcing these dreams to take over, what little sleep my insomnia allows me? Is it playing a nasty game of catch me if you can?

Cause right now I'm a ball of confusion
And these dreams have taken over the spark
That lights my illusions
And left me with nothing
But a case of
Mistaken Delusions

12-13-09

I Need To Rest (Exhaustion)

Exhaustion
Fatigue
Memory
of
Sin

I need to take shelter from the demons
That rest near my shoulder

Exhaustion
Pain
Light
gone
Dim

I need to get away from the strangers
That tell me tall tales in my ear

I
Need
To
Leave

To rest, the need

The
Need
To
Rest
The
Rest
Of
This
Life
Away

Peace (I need to rest)
In
Peace (I need to rest)

~rAiNcRiEs~

~Never Ending~

This never ending thought
Just won't go away
It's been on my mind
For forever and a day

A feeling I can not shake
A tear that just won't fall
A frozen ice burg that just wont break
Now surrounds this heart by a concrete wall

I have become nothing
A face who can no longer smile
Eyes that have seen much suffering
An empty heart whom only beats a while

This never ending thought
That wont stay away
From this battered mind
Where these dreams lay
Pray...
...rAiN
Pray....
...rAiN


rAiNcRiEs
11-27-09 12:19am

rAiN-ism Of The Day

'A Child's Innocence
And Undying Love
Can Make Your Heart Dance
With The Clouds Above'

~rAiNcRiEs~
~2009~

~Quiet Laughter /Rod & Jaime~

You only just left us
and here we are
Each time we sigh
or speak, or laugh
We see you

Like rings from a stone
thrown on still water
Each memory speaks to us
You have become our favorite music

But you’re not here.
The wind is too damn quiet without your laugh
Please come soon and sing with me
In a race of rings, and quiet laughter
~rAiNcRiEs~

"Whoever said it get's easier with time...is bull sh*ting.
It doesn't get any easier.
8 years later and it still makes me
fall to my knees.
I miss you both more then any words
I could possibly try and muster up
And my love for you both runs deep
I love you, Chowder my dear friends"

~The Reason I'm Alive~

Trying to sort out how I’m feeling
Trying to find something to say that has meaning
I know today your feeling blind
But I'm lost and too hard to find

What do you do
when the pressures on?
How do you smile
when you know that your wrong?
How do you know when it’s safe to fly?
How will I know when its my....
....My time to die?

So are you feeling empty yet?
Cause I’m feeling drained and confused
But there’s still some things I don’t get
Hidden messages in the words that you use

And crying
Never fixed a broken heart
Tryin’ to find the right place to start
To heal
My sadden soul

You cant tell me
I wasn’t on your side
so many nights I swallowed my pride
Just to console you

Did you really wanna crucify me?
Did you want me to die for all your sins?
I know that all you want now
Is for this conversation to end
before it even begins

I don’t know what’s supposed to happen now
Is the scene we part our separate ways
What made me think I’d live forever
When I never thought I’d live to see this day

Being sorry isn’t helping me now
I’m so close but too far away
I wasn’t searchin’ for a miracle
Just a reason
Why I’m Alive Today

Did you really, wanna crucify me?
Did you want me to die for all your sins?
I know all that you want now
Is for this conversation to end before it even begins
And being sorry isn’t helping me now
I’m so close but too far away
I wasn’t searchin’ for a miracle
Just a reason
Why I’m Alive Today


Jaime Bjarnason ~2000~

~Wild Kingdom~

(Picture © Manu-Claude C/O Flicker.com)

I am a path in your labyrinth
Remove me from this hall of mirrors
This filthy glass
A faceless prince

Pulled by forces
Still I have no name
Let's escape to the wild kingdom
Flash, then forgive me
Memories remain the same

Pound my hands
Over his empty heart
Give me warm eyes to remember him whole
As his labyrinth turns to dust
The hourglass has been put to rest
And my path is no longer
Death

rAiNcRiEs ©
Original 1997
Remixed 2009

~Gifts of Reasoning From God~

It’s funny how something from your past can come back to your present so hauntingly. Never did I think these two separate things would collide together. My past, in understanding reason, and my present knowing the reason.

These are my Gifts of Reasoning from God...

Grade 8...wow I was stuck inside myself back then. Censored myself. Let me dissolve myself, let my confinement eat me alive. Really now that I look back on it I believe I was scared of what my brain was putting on paper. I was scared to show myself in words, every writing telling my story. It was Jill Peacocke my grade 8 English teacher, who saw this, and tried so desperately to be the filter in which my words could blossom into what she believed would be my portrait of words. Gosh did she try so hard. Gave up so much of her time, invested so much of herself in me. She went well over the requirements of an English teacher. She would tell me everyday, everyday.... ‘You can push me away all you like Calnan, I’m not giving up on you.’ It used to drive me CRAZY because I knew she wouldn’t. I tried everything in my power to get her to leave me alone. I did some pretty mean things to her actually. I was rude, obnoxious, disruptive in class. Everything you can think of. Until D day...Her face stern...but loving. (Family and Friends that had her as a teacher know exactly what I’m talking about) I knew I was in for it. ‘Get out!’ I stood up, grabbed my books... ‘Not you, sit down Calnan.’ She was talking to the rest of the class. Sent them to the library, it would be there they remained the rest of the period. *While sitting here writing this, thinking about the tone of her voice, and the look on her face, I feel like a child again.* I was scared...I had pissed this sweet woman off. And now it was her turn to let me have it.


“Calnan, you can try this and that all you want. You can push me away, you can call me names, you can pick on me...but Laura it’s not going to make this go away. Not many people are blessed with a gift like you have. Many people struggle daily for ways to express themselves. You are naturally gifted to express every ounce of your being. You need to always remember this, and embrace it. It will be because of you...that people are brought into your life. It remains your duty to show them the reason. You have shown me, why I was brought into your life...Now let me help you. Everyone comes into your life for a reason ;this is my reason. Let it go Calnan, because it’s not going to let go of you. It will follow you for the rest of your life. Why do you think I pushed you and demanded you write this and that for this English class? Find your reasoning Laura...the reason has found you. You must find the reasoning because of it.”


I remember walking away from this woman feeling as if I was the size of an ant. But she was right. And she knew it.I didn’t get it right away, nor did I understand it, but many years later; I now do. And it was for this reason that she was brought into my life. Every time I’m struggling with myself over a piece I’m working on, or if I find my words are jopping up my brain. Ms. Peacocke is in the back of my mind...Thank you...thank you.


So...really I have always been the kind of person that wonders, and if I can’t figure out the reasoning it becomes non important to me until it is shoved in my face. In the end it ends up being something important, so I have to open my doors of confinement and find the reason. I don’t know if I would be able to do that, if it wasn’t for Jill Peacocke striving everyday to get me to open my door to her.

Many writings, many stories, many poems, many years later I became the same little girl in grade 8. With many waves of sadness, denials, tragedies, sickness and confinement I had completely closed myself off again. Not letting myself open my doors to anyone. Laura the recluse was back with a vengeance.

Enter June 2004:

I don’t know exactly how it happened. But in comes a woman banging on my door wanting in. Now I’m not talking about a house door...I’m talking about the door to my soul. Knocking at confinements door. I wish I could remember how it came about. I do remember it had something to do with Michael Jackson, and I sent a poem somewhere. What was my reasoning in doing so? I didn’t know...

I would receive emails from her almost daily. As we shared a common interest; Michael Jackson. And he would be the way for her to get to me. She sent me an invention to her group. I just let it sit there. Wondering...why is this woman wanting me to open my door so badly. Finally about 2 weeks of daily emails I gave in and joined Positive Voices4MJJ. What was my reasoning in doing so? I didn’t know...

It took awhile, but soon enough I felt comfortable to start sharing things with her, private things. We became close, very fast. It became clear very early, that we were brought together for a reason. Did both of us know it at the time? I believe she did, but my confinement was still holding me back.

One thing I did know, is that no matter how hard I tried to back off, step back, or politely push her away, Eve wasn’t going anywhere.

Some say God works in mysterious ways. Some say through prayer he blesses you. Others say if you give, then you shall receive. I don’t feel I fit into any of these categories, because at this point of my life, I wasn’t praying, and I most defiantly wasn’t giving anything. So where did my blessing of Eve come from? That’s a question for God to answer, not for me.

I’m not really sure of anything, but the one thing I am sure of is she was brought to my life exactly at the right time. For a reason, although technically I still am very unsure of what that reason is. I know if she was to write a follow up to this, she would tell you exactly what that reason was. She told me once:

‘I prayed for you...and then one day Jehovah brought you to me right before my eyes. That’s why I wouldn’t let you disappear. I couldn’t leave you alone, because I knew you were my gift from him’


Sound familiar? Yes...you guessed it. Nine years later, I was face to face with a completely different reasoning from God, but just like my English teacher she would be the other filter in which my words could blossom into what would become my portrait of words. Except this gift from God, would forever change my life in a completely different way.

It has only been 5 years, since I guess you could call it fate...brought us together. But in this short time I have learned so much, not only about myself, but about the world in which surrounds me. She has shown me things, and taught me things I don’t believe I would be able to see, or gained the knowledge of if she wasn’t in my life. She has seen me through a major battle with my demons that surround my confinement within myself. She like my teacher so many years ago has put in hours upon hours striving to show me I can’t quit. Although it was just her (and her family) along with Jehovah fighting my war with me, she (they) strapped on her (their) armor and was ready for battle. A mother’s love ended up winning this fight. And rAiNcRiEs was born once again.

These 5 years have been long, and together we have over came many obstacles together, fought many battles together, and now since June 25th 2009 we are struggling together. With the devastating loss of the main ingredient of our foundation that God has helped us create as spiritual mother and daughter.



Our beloved Michael...

I find myself writing this, with guilt ripping at my soul. The only feeling I have really been able to feel since he died. Because all her prayers, all her hard work, all her dedication as been sucked down and is drowning beside me again amongst my confinement. I’m stuck, and lately I see her trying her hardest to get me out of it. Trying to fight my battle again. But this time...she has her own war she is waging against, all the while trying to stay strong for me. For her big girl...

Ma,
There has been so many times you should have walked away from me, so many times I didn’t deserve your full attention. You have given me things, I never thought I could feel. You have shown me parts of my soul, that I never knew existed. And now I am able to pull emotions, and create pictures with words...that I don’t know could come from anywhere else but this place in which you have helped create. That can only be explained by a mothers love. You have always believed in me, even when there was no ground for you to stand on. You have always supported my visions, and my words...even when they didn’t (don’t) make sense. I wonder where you came from, and what I did to be allowed to witness your beautiful wisdom dancing along the shoreline of these rAiNcRiEs. You are a constant inspiration in my life...and I couldn’t imagine you not being in it...or for that fact, I have a hard time remembering you not being in it.

Lately it’s very hard for me to express myself to you. Its hard for my feelings to reflect any type of emotion, and I know sometimes that can hurt you. Because I know you feel like you are failing at trying to better things for me. But know...that if it wasn’t for you...these rAiNcRiEs would already be silent. Know...that this is the deepest my soul will let me go right now. I hope you understand. I pray for you to understand. Not just ‘respect my words’ but understand them.
I love you so, so, so, very much. Your stream that flows into this ocean is constant Mama, and you will always be the wind that blows these tears away and helps mold them into beautiful rAiNcRiEs for everyone to hear.


This is my Gift of Reasoning from God.. Did I fight it, yes. Do I know now why I was blessed with it? No. Some say I am a blessing, that I was given a gift. I just simply say I am someone who has been lost, almost her whole life. A confused soul that has always had something to say, just not had the means to say it.

That is until I found you...

rAiNcRiEs
Nov 13th 2009



----------------
Now playing: Like A Mother Would Do (Konstantinos Feat. rAiN)
via FoxyTunes

rAiN-ism Of The Day

Compassion
Doesn't
Always
Mean
Tears
Have
To
Fall
Off
Your
Cheek,
rAiN
Understands
~rAiNcRiEs~ ©

~Do Thy?~

A piece of thou's life
fell into thy hand.
Do thy dare dance with the devil
or do thy leave thou
to dance alone in the rain?

Do thy put thou in the same
trans as thou did thy?
Leaving thou speechless
to unaware to attend
Leaving thy to dance thy solo again.

Do thy let thou beg on thou knees
Pleading thou's case.
or do thy hold in thy hand
thou's cell key.
Where thou will see the devil
dance in the face of mercy.

That piece of thou's life
that fell into thy's lap
Thy used it to dance with the devil
Thou used it to get thy back
Then thy solo was left thou's
After the fact.

rAiNcRiEs © 11.15.09 7:24am

~Insanity~

What happens when life falls at your feet,
and makes you drop in complete
~Insanity~

Do you cry yourself a river,
and pray that later that night
you may sleep; deep
And never again awaken
to the sweet morning rain?

Or is that just me?

Dying to be free
from my complete
~Insanity~

rAiNcRiEs©
11.15.09 6:39am

rAiN-ism Of The Day

Even Though
I Sometimes Hear
Your Silent Feet
Loudly Pacing
Passed My Ear

You’re Still
Eternally
Invisible

So Carry On
Carry On
Dancing...
...Ghosts

~rAiNcRiEs~
©2009

A Circle of Inspiration For Michael

I was greeted today with a message from a Michael/Janet fan via my Last.fm account. Getting spur of the moment, or random messages from people around the net isn't anything new to me. A lot of people have expressed their gratitude, thanks or praise for my words. Saying my stories, and writings have helped them overcome, or deal with their grief over the loss of our Michael. Sometimes not only with Michael, but with other things. I have also gotten some messages of thanks telling me I have inspired them to do something to honor Michael, in different forms. But I must say, the message I got today, not only told me about the inspiration, but showed it. I wanted to share it here, on Beloved Legacy. This was made by screen name 'wg5516' and this was the message attached to it:
Hello. I stumbled across your blog and was inspired by it. I created this artwork and used one of your pieces as a tribute to MJ.


A poem from a fellow Michael/Janet fan, rAiN from Maximum-Jackson.com
(Thank U & with love. L.O.V.E.)

I have been struggling very hard the last couple months trying to figure out how to feel about all of this. At first I was taken back, the fact that people were finding solitude, and comfort in my pain and grief. As I have stated many times before. When Michael passed, I made this blog for myself. To have a place for me to run to, to put all my feelings, thoughts, pains, emotions, denials, confessions, and delusions. Knowing how I am, and being a writer, I had to do this selfishly for myself. Little did I know, what this blog would become on June 25th, when my real sense of feelings, and my ultimate inspiration died along the side of him.

Beloved Legacy is no longer mine, it has become a sense of home for some fans. It isn't just mine anymore. This blog now belongs not only to rAiNcRiEs and to the Legacy of Michael Jackson, but to you all, the truest love that have ever been formed. Michael Jackson has brought out the best in people, and through him, I am receiving a fraction of it. Although right now, it is very hard for me to feel, I mean to really feel all of your guys expressions of love, and thanks, and encouragement and praise...I am working very hard to allow myself to feel it. Until I open my heart again, and allow myself to start mourning the loss of him...I can't fully say or express in words my thanks to you all. Your messages are not going unnoticed, or unappreciated...For those that don't really know me...I am just in a struggle right now. I'm a cold circle that just keeps going around and around, with no open door. And because of you all...my circle has become a circle of inspiration in honor of Michael. I don't really have any words to express that any further.

Some have said to me, that this is God's Will...this is what I'm supposed to be doing. This is what I put here on earth to do...All I know, is that on June 25th, 2009 when I was praying to him; Beloved Legacy was born. Never did I expect this to happen though.

So sorry that I haven't been able to respond to all of your messages privately one on one, I don't emotionally have it in me to do that right now. That's why when I received this beautiful art work, and the short message of inspiration, I thought I would post it all in one, along with my little note to you all.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, thank you Michael...and thank you God.

'It's All 4 Love
L.O.V.E'


~Respectfully,
rAiN


(All art work on display in this post is designed by 'wg5516')

rAiN-ism Of The Day

There Are No Sorrows
God Can't Heal
~rAiNcRiEs

All The F**king Time

Even if I wrote these words
Different a million times
It would still sound the same
Even end in the same rhyme

Cause I have you in my head
Twenty four hours a day
All the f**king time

I can't break this cycle
I don't know how
You are on repeat
All the f**king time Michael

All these words
Every sound
Replaying that day
Every f**king day
All the f**king time

Cause I have you in my head
Twenty four hours a day
All the f**king time

~This Is What It's Like Not To Feel~

I am but a shallow pit
Nothing to express, no feelings to share
But a cold wind that surrounds my being
And a need not to care

I am but a freezing soul
Nothing to inspire, no emotion to shed
But a cold stare that covers this face
And these empty tears my eyes do pour

I am but a lifeless hole
A bottomless ocean, with no revolving tide
No ripples left in my waves
Since the second you died

What’s there to do
When your ocean runs dry
And you are left with nothing
But thoughts in your mind

That leave you completely lost since
The day your world stood still
And left behind this innocence
And the memories it did kill

No feeling
Just empty tears
Since the day you died
Leaving me to drown
Amongst these rAiNcRiEs

This is what it’s like not to feel

rAiNcRiEs ©10.31.09 7:31pm

Thriller

The hour of the wolf has now ended
The song, the stage, the year
Is built up again
1982
Singing in darkness

We must leave the theater
Struggling;
Trying to be banned
From the forever

The movie panic
And the black walk
Through the grave yard

Dead folks in weird dress
Dancing by the side of the girl

Thriller

rAiNcRiEs
Original 1997 Remixed 2005

Happy Halloween!

When A 5 Year Old Yearns For Michael

Alright well where to start with this? I guess from the beginning.

My oldest nephew was born May 19th 2004. My sister and I are very close,
in fact for a couple years I lived behind her. So literally we were that close!

During the time in which she was pregnant with Jaden, I always played Michael's music, because I had heard that music can help and stimulate a baby even in the belly. So yes I was that weirdo Aunty that tried to have headphones on my sisters gut playing Michael's music. Total nerd! Ya that was me.

So to say Michael has been in Jaden's life since the beginning would be more then a correct statement.
In fact for many months after he was born, he HAD, and I STRESS HAD to be put to sleep by Michael's 'We Are The World' Demo. Once I messed up and put on the Various artist version, oooweee Jaden told me off...at 2 months old, wow yes...so from then on it was THE DEMO VERSION.

And I'm not just talking a couple times, I'm talking every nap, every bed time, when he needed to be calmed down. There was burnt disc's everywhere with just that one song on it. If you had Jaden, the CD had to go with him. We just got smart and burnt everyone in the family a copy...shooot! Jaden had that song on lock down.

Which is why its so hard for me to hear it now, I break down as soon as I hear the music start. Not the real version, just the demo! That song is so special to my family.

Enter June 25th 2009:

I thank God everyday that Jaden wasn't here with me when I got the news about Michael. My sister and her kids (my youngest nephew Dylan was born 20 days before...on June 5th) were on the island visiting my parents. But I guess during our local news broadcast they went live to 'It's confirmed, Michael Jackson has died at age 50' Of course my sister, and parents were watching the news...and yes Jaden was right there.

I got a text from my sister asking why didn't I text her and tell her. As this was about an hour after the confirmation. She called me right away, and I could hear Jaden in the background. I was crying so hard, and my sister was crying...Jaden...all he wanted was to just 'Let me talk to my Aunty'. 'I want to talk to my Aunty.'

So finally when I was able to control my tears, and 'sound' okay Jaden got on the phone. Ever since he started to talk Jaden's title for Michael has always been "Aunty's friend Michael Jackson" That's how he referred to him. Let me remind everyone that he is 5 years old....

'Hi Aunty. Are you okay?'
"Hi J, yes Aunty is fine"
'I don't fink so Aunty cause the TV is saying your friend Michael Jackson went to heaven'

*OH GOD HELP ME*

"Yes Jaden, he did"
'Well I know you are sad and crying Aunty, I know okay.'

I could hear him start to weep....my nephew was crying for me.

I couldn't say anything else to this little boy, because I was crying so hard and I lost control to what I was thinking/doing.
I had to hang up on him...I just had to.


He has brought Michael up every so often...specially on my husband and my anniversary which was Sept 28th.

Jaden walks into our house with this card that he picked out for us. The cover is 2 people dressed as mummy's...you open it up and it says im so glad that we found each other...Happy Halloween. But my sister crossed out the 'We' and put 'You' and crossed out Halloween and put anniversary. In the inside of the card, she explains in ( ) that Jaden had picked the card out for us. He signed his name.

The cute part...is before I could even get the card open this comes out of his mouth. I will write it the way, this 5 year old said to it me...lol And I do quote :

'So um Aunty we got you dees Michael Jackson fings, like for his concert or whatever...but I dont see how dat works causes hes like in heaven...whats he gonna do, dance and sing in heaven and den the projector shines it down like at the outside drive in that my daddy takes me to all da time?'

So i explain to him that its a movie that was made with all the video of him before he passed away. He then responds:

'Huh..well I guess that is OK den Aunty, cause if Michael Jackson would really be dancing in heaven and shinning down from the projector. We would have to call da ambulance for you. And you would have to go to the hospital and you would miss the concert and be alllll angry (eye roll). Least now you can cry in the movie theater and eat your popcorn'

This child isn't stupid...he knows what's up!

So two days ago now. My sister calls me up and says can we come over, Jaden wants to see you and I was thinking you could show him the Thriller video. Hes really liking the song right now. Said sure. (The boys at been at my parents house so I hadn't seen him in a week)

They show up and I put the video on for him. He sits down beside me on the couch and it starts to play. At first he looked a little shocked, and he said 'Aunty dat is Michael Jackson?' I said yes it was. We watched...I kept watching his facial expressions. Reminded me...of myself. Exactly his age, exactly my reaction, as we both witnessed the most amazing thing on earth. Michael Joseph Jackson. Just 23 years apart.

I was so proud in the moment the video was done. Jaden's face was lit up so bright. So fascinated by what he just saw. He was jumping around, dancing, yelling 'Thriller, thriller night' It made me giggle. That's my boy :)

I guess after they went home, all Jaden did was talk about Michael to my sister, his baby brother, anyone who would listen really. The next day (yesterday) I went over there, to watch the boys for a couple hours. As soon as I got in the car, Jaden started....

'Aunty I made you dis Michael Jackson werewolf picture, just like in his video'. 'You know da Thriller video Aunty' He just wouldn't stop. I listen to the music playing on the cd player...'Earth Song'. I said to my sister, what is going on? All she said was 'It's all about Michael, sis'. I felt my gut start to turn. As I realized what I faced tonight, with this nephew of mine...who has simply fallen in love with Michael Jackson. It's like a mini me. Watching myself years later. Except one thing is different...Jaden will have only 'past time', old memories, which will be new for him...but he will never experience new 'time'.

((God thank you for my time...my years, and years of time...Michael time. I will continue to cherish every second of it, and will pass my time down to Jaden until I too eternally fall asleep.))

So after my sister left, and it was just me and the boys Jaden started right away on the subject of Michael. Asking question after question about the Thriller video and the song, and singing 'Beat It' and finally convincing me to put the song on...I started Thriller. This little boy knew every word. Ever word...in the matter of 2 days...learnt every word. Makes me wonder now, how many times he convinced my sister to play it for him. This was so new to me. Most people would think looking from the outside in, that this sudden interest with Jaden came from me. But no...I was completely oblivious because of my lack of reality when it comes to Michael since June 25th...and Jaden never came at me with it because I think when he noticed me..notice Michael...I was like a zombie. So no...this isn't me pushing Mike on the kid...this is simply all Jaden.

After I let the music play on for a bit, I turned it off. Jaden instantly came at me with more questions, questions I wasn't ready for. And well, shoot even if I was ready, I still wouldn't have the proper answers for a 5 year old to understand. This is what Jaden came at me with:

'Aunty, how come Michael's skin isn't brown like Baba's (my husband) anymore?'

God help me, how do I explain Vitiligo to a 5 year old?

I told him things in small terms, things he could understand. Then I started to personalize Michael's skin disease with Jaden's hearing loss.

(In April of this year Jaden was hit hard by a rare case of Bacterial Meningitis that was almost fatal. And took 80% of his hearing in one ear.)

I told J that sometimes Michael had to wear make up (Jaden brought up the lipstick) because of his skin problem. Told him that sometimes people made fun of him and called him names...hurt his feelings. I said, 'You wouldn't like it if people made fun of you because of your hearing problem right?' So he got it...

I said Michael was sad for a long time Jaden, cause people were so mean to him when his skin starting turning white...from brown. Used to make Michael cry.
As I was telling him this, Jaden started to weep... we were in at the computer and he hit the play button on this MJ video mix that was on the screen. Jaden got on my knee and was hugging me so tightly, while his head faced the computer screen. Watching Michael, deeply...as tears streamed down his face. All a sudden I could hear my nephew 'talking' to him. In that instant, Jaden sits up and holds my face...
(now I too am crying) and says to me, 'Aunty Michael is in heaven, so he is alright. He isn't sad anymore, and no one can hurt his feelings...in heaven. So we don't have to worry about him being sad anymore...............okay Aunty'?

Then he asked me the worst possible question ever....

'Aunty how did Michael go to heaven?' I sat there, in silence.
'Aunty how did Michael die'

I couldn't do anything but say 'He had an accident baby' and I just held him, and rocked him...All the while my heart just breaking so intensely.


*HEART BREAK HOTEL*

We cried until the end of the video was over...I ran him a bath and got him ready for bed. Kissed him goodnight, told him I loved him. And returned the couch. 10 minutes later...I hear my 5 year old nephew...singing himself to sleep.

'Beat it, Beat it, Beat it...
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right'

This child sang Michael to sleep.

That night killed me, killed my spirit,and my soul...because I had no words to comfort him. I had no words that could make him feel better. This child is yearning for him. And there is nothing I can do for him. Because I haven't dealt with June 25th. I haven't really started my grieving process, or my mourning. I too am yearning for him...the same yearning I have had since I was 5 years old...23 years ago...When I saw the most beautiful thing my baby eyes had ever seen.



Now Jaden...the boy born with my eyes, the boy following in my footsteps, my nephew 5 years old has looked through those same eyes



and too has fallen in love with Michael Jackson.


God, help me help him. Help him, help me.

What are you supposed to do, when a 5 year old yearns for you now Michael, because today 4 months ago...you eternally fell asleep. And time is but a memory.



~rAiNcRiEs
Oct 25th 2009
7:03am




----------------
Now playing: Michael Jackson - We Are the World [Demo Version]
via FoxyTunes

~For Just a Minute~

~I found this tonight...early this morning I should say. I don't really recall my reasoning for writing it, which is why I always date and time stamp all my writing. But as I started to read my words. I couldn't help but start to feel overwhelmed with grief, as my words started to paint a deep picture of Michael...and this years events. It wasn't until I got to the end of the poem, emotionally drained and my eyes burning with stinging tears that I read my time/date stamp. Ironic? who's to say. Scary? who's to say. Completely eerie? Yes that I can say. This was written on June 25th, 2008. A Year before the world slipped of its access, a year before the world stood still, on the day....we all 'Cried At The Same Time'

Will you think of Mike...For Just a Minute?

~Laura ('rAiN'cRiEs)
Oct 22.2009





When you think of me
For just a minute
Will it be with a smile?
With dancing eyes
For just a moment in time
That will last you awhile

When a thought of me passes you by
For just a minute
Will it hang your head in sorrow?
And in that minute
Will you finally be able to say goodbye?

In that moment of time
When you remember me
For just a minute
Will it bring you to laughter?
Wishing I was with you
For just a minute
To share that laughter
For just a minute
After;
My laughter disappears

When you think of me
For just a minute
Will it bring you to tears?
Will it make you miss me?
For just a minute
After all those years

When you remember me
For just a minute
Will it make you sad?
Wondering if I did all I wanted
For just a moment;
In the little time I had

When you think of me
For just a tender minute
Will it be with tearful laughter?
Wishing I was with you
For just a minute longer
To share in your laughter
For just a minute
After;
My laughter disappears

….Think of me
…For Just a Minute

~rAiNcRiEs~

06.25.08
1:49am

When?

So many things have all just come center fold
in the past couple days about you. I have to wonder if
I wished I didn't know them. Or really if I was better off not knowing.
Even though, I always knew. But to hear it come out of your mouth.
The hurt in your words...and finally read in detail. What exactly you did
to your body...your beautiful, beautiful body.

I have been going back in time. Trying to remember everything you have said, that I have
heard you say. Your feelings, the stories. The tears you have shed. Wow the world was so blind.
Many just had no clue. Then I get angry and wonder why the people that truly love you...never trusted
themselves enough to try and stop you. To get you help. Someone for you to talk to. Someone to love you.

But...then again, who was there for you to trust?

I wonder when the self loafing started with you. Was it at the starting of your career? Joseph? When your vitaligo became noticable?
The pepsi accident?
When did you start feeling that you needed to hide the real you...
not hide to the world, or your fans...but hide from yourself?
I keep wondering why?
Why you didn't listen, why you thought you didn't need to listen.
To your Mother, your sister, your true friends...to Jehovah.


When Michael...

When did you start not trusting yourself?

Cause no matter what you thought, or didn't think.
No matter what you changed, or tried to change
No matter when this happened, no matter...why it happened.

Nothing is going to bring you back
Nothing is going to change your mind
Nothing is going to change the past
Nothing is going to change June 25th 2009

I just wish before you fell asleep, you just listened...if only for a second.

I love you boy, and I miss those silent feet.

Beyond anything!

~rAiN

~Solitary~

Locked up
Inside...
This coffee cup
Confide...
Feelings stuck
Died...
No luck
Arise...
Memories suck
Memorized
Alone...
Confinement

*Silent Feet*
09.24.09
6:45am

~Confinement~

To some, it will seem as if I have started to stear my heart
in the right direction to meld my pain and tears together...
to mend this broken heart, that is completely aching for you.
But...I have come to the realization that
I have just pushed the idea, and the actual reality into the very back of my pain...
And im letting it seep through the surface.
Just enough to make the people around me and surrounding me believe that I am dealing...
So they will stay away from me.

But for days the real me has become a recluse. Shielding my very being from dealing with you.
Sure I have cried. I have witnessed, I have become angry, I have shared, I have written, I have listened, I have watched people mourn, infact looking like I was mourning myself...but I have also been very lousy at faking the fact that I'm ok.
At first it was a slow process, but over the past month it has been a very fast paced fact of reality that I am driving myself into seclusion.
I'm back into my Confinement.

Confinement...

Confinement...only problem this time, is I don't have the ache to get out of it. Because if I come out, then I have to admit that you're gone.
And sure just like everything else I have said the words. Words put into riduclous phrazes like. 'He's gone' 'Michael died', 'Michael Jackson passed away'
Did I believe it...at first no. It took a couple days for the words even to come out right...Because they were never the words that I thought I would have to say...
But I said them, all the while it completely making me push you further and futher back into the pain. So that I didnt have to conciously think about it

Problem is...my subconcious hasnt stopped thinking about it. Which is where these dreams start coming into play.

You keep coming to me, in my dreams. With this light trailing behind you. The 'light' is starting to become very silly. I have strained and strained
to try and figure out what it is, or what it means. Funny that only one dream out of the half a dozen dreams of you that have been plauging my mind at night
has been about your actual death. The others remind me of the past, or a memory, or maybe a glimps into the new world. The only dream bout your death
is not one that I have told anyone, i havent spoken about it to anyone...and the only writing of it...is stashed away.
So no one can see it...it will sit in the folder that Celeste will receive hopefully years away... after my demise.
I don't believe its something that should be shared with anyone...and the fact that I have only had it twice
means something to me...as where these others are so frequently they are becoming an every day part of my life. Nothing ever changes, everything stays the same, sometime
I wish that they would, see if the story would continue...but then I sit back and think about it, and maybe this is a part of my subconcious conciously starting my healing process
for me.

If I could change anything in any of them it would be our black and white scenery, how does it feel dream.
I would just change one thing...or I should say I wish it would change at least one time for me...
so I could see if the message in which I believe I am getting...is right.
I wish so much I could speak back to you. So I could give you my answer.
Cause Michael
I can tell you now...how it feels.

There is only a couple people I can really talk to about this, about the stuff on the surface.
You can count them on one hand. And if I was completely to open up
and start grieving and mourning properly, my hand would become alot smaller.
People dont understand me...I dont believe they ever have. I dont believe there has been anyone who has.
Well maybe Jaime...but we know how that story ends.
People see/hear/and maybe understand part of the poet/writer of my being...the real me....I fear no one will ever see.
Do I want them to see? This is the question I pose to myself...everytime I turn someone away.
The very people that 'love' me...but how do i love love them back, when I am having a hard time loving myself right now.
And the hand has now become 2 fingers...how do I show them?
That I am completely losing myself, that I have lost the power...with no desire to gain myself back.
Destiny...if I had one...I dont have the ache to find it.

This confinement didnt start with you...you have just closed the door.
~You have ended it~

~Written in the Sand~

I decided to walk today
Where; I didn't know
I had to get far, away
But with no particular place to go
I ended up at the beach
Beautifuly lit up by the setting sun
I saw your name written in the sand
Beside a crying child, his face in his hands

I felt compelled to say something
To give comfort in some way
The sobbing child began to sing
'Climb mountains if I can
When I come of age'

I can't see his face,
Just the shadow from the sun
I take a couple steps closer
and sit down beside him
As I sing along

I feel a sense of complete lonliness
Rising from his tiny tears
I place a hand on his shoulder
As the crying boy crumbled into my arms
Releasing all his fears

I looked down
at your name written in the sand
As water now hits our feet
and the little one takes my hand

The child rises to his feet
As he guides me to mine
Pulling our arms towards the sea
Closing his eyes
Still I could see

A gust a wind comes
And shuts my eyes
Water now dancing between my toes
As I hear the child whisper to me
'rAiN it's time to go'

Silently still I stood in place
Opening my eyes
I am humbled in your grace
I look down to the child in my hand
Who was,there now gone
Nothing left of him
But his tiny writing of you in the sand

I witnessed pure love
Today walking along this beach
visited by a memory of you
Reaching out to sea I realized you are finally free
A little child turned into a man
Now but a legacy...
And a beautiful name written in the sand

rAiNcRiEs
09.17.09
1:20am

~It's Not Easy~

"It may sound absurd; but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed; but won't you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away; away from me
It's all right; You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy; or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me."

Taken from the song "Superman (It's Not Easy) ~Five For Fighting

An Open Letter To Michael

My Dearest Michael, August 29th, 2009

Every year since I was very young, I have written you an open letter. Last night/early this morning I happened to come across many years of words to you. Mostly written on certain days, important days, HIStorical days in your life...
Tonight's letter also falls on a day just for you August 29th, the day in which you were born, but I can't help but feel so strange about writing these words to you...to my sleeping silent feet.

Around the world, people are honouring you today, in so many different ways, in so many different styles. The innocence in the love shed for you, would bring you to tears Michael. If you could only see how truly, and humbly you are loved. I know a couple years ago you spoke about the smog, and the fact that you didn't feel appreciated, how unloved you felt. I'm so very sorry from the bottom of my heart that it took this...for the world to realize how much they love you. How much some took you for granted. It took this, for the world to really see you as a man, a brother, an uncle, a son...and a daddy. Not just Michael Jackson the Icon.

A couple things I wanted to say to you Mike...things I have said before and a couple I haven't. So I guess I will start at the beginning.

As you know at the tender age of just 5...I knew that you would be in my life forever. Being so small, but knowing exactly what I was witnessing, I surrounded my childhood, teenage years, and of course, my adult hood with you. At every different point of my life you are in it. You were the first man I ever truly loved. Deeply, unconditionally. Although our beings never touched, you helped me through so many things, so many.

When I was a young child, that child with the huge dream...you were to be the man I would marry. LoL. When I was in my 'youth' you were the boyfriend every girl wanted to have. When I became a teenager you were the big brother, who I loved more like a father figure. That never left...you were my big brother. Who I defended, protected, fought for, loved unconditionally, cried with, cried for...because I knew you would do the same for your loved ones. I did this, because it was natural for me, and because it was right. Michael my dear sleeping brother, this will never stop. I will defend, fight, kick, scream, cry for, and love you until my rAiNcRiEs are silenced to...until I too fall silently to sleep.

In 2004, on the day after your arrest, when I saw you taken into that police station in handcuffs, I felt so much dread I had no where to go, no one to turn to. I had no one to hold me up, as we fought for you. Then it was like out of no where...God lead me to PositiveVoices4MJJ. Or they found me, I haven't really understood how that works just yet. The only thing I do know for sure, is that God placed me in a beautiful aura to do exactly what I needed to do for you. But it was there, that I could defend, fight, scream, cry, and love you...except I had others to fall back on when things got to rough, and I needed help standing up. And others, were doing the same thing for you. Like a huge circle of positivity, and unconditional love for you.

Positive Voices 4MJJ...

Together we saw you through the worst thing that could be placed on innocence. We were so strong for you, even when it hurt to wake up in the morning, even when it hurt to read what was being said, when it just plain hurt...we stayed positive, we stayed strong because you needed us. Because in our hearts, our brother needed us. June 13th 2005 will be a day I will never forget. I will never forget how proud I felt to be a Michael Jackson fan that day, watching the innocence in your eyes walk out of that court room a free man...I was so proud of you...but I knew you weren't as free as the world thought you were.

Positive Voices 4MJJ...

We tried everything in our power to get messages to you, to tell you it's OK take your time. Do things for Michael. Take care of your children. You don't owe anyone anything! Did you receive some of them...yes I KNOW you did *wink* but...there are many of us that still wish, we could have done more for you. Our main mission, was to see you through, and that Michael, we accomplished. You knew how much PV4MJJ loved you, and honored you...respected you...and that's all that we could have asked for.

I wanted to thank you tonight, along with God. Because of you, and God...I was given *back* to my family. To the tag team, to my Mama. You will never ever know how much importance you are in that happening. You will never know how much your life, gave to mine...in giving me them *back* And how important you are in the foundation of our love.

Oh and Mike there is just one more thing. I'm not going to go into the story of how it became about, because this open letter would turn into a confessional...a long confessional, lol...but there is something else I wanted to thank you for.

rAiNcRiEs, thank you for my rAiNcRiEs, thank you for showing me that it's ok to let people in, as long as you shed the cries of the ones that matter. You will always be the first tear in this ocean of rAiNcRiEs, and every piece, every word, every rhyme, limerick, story or poem will be written in dedication and honor to you. Thank you so much for the gifts and blessings you have given to my life with the help from god.

I will always tribute to you, honor you, defend you, fight for you, celebrate you...and love you.

Today, 51 years ago you were born, the only thing that could make this day complete is you being here celebrating with the blanket of love, and the tears of innocence that will shed for you on this day.

June 25th 2009, will never go unnoticed...and I hope my sleeping brother, that you never feel unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, or blinded by the smog ever again. Cause your fans, loved ones, family and friends will continue on your dream, and relish in your Beloved Legacy. And show forth, just how important your message is, your life is, your work is. We will never let our Man in The Mirror fade away.


Thank you for today God... and thank you for bringing Michael Joseph Jackson to my life.

My Silent Feet....I love you, 'And that's for all time'

<3
rAiN

Was All This Worth It?

(Picture By Celeste 'Cel' Dixon 09)


Was all this worth it?
The glamour and blitz
Fortune and fame
Was it worth the risk?

Was it all worth it
The loneliness and pain
Only privacy in seclusion
That may become insane
With electric illusions

Was all this worth it?
Lies and stories
Photographs now shed names
Seclusion inside your illusions
All because the price of fame

Was it worth it?
To cry lonely tears
No where to run
Your illusions turning into your fears

Was all this worth it?
The glamour turning sick
Fortune and fame
Was it worth the risk?

Was it all worth it
Your loneliness and pain
Now no privacy in your seclusion
Illusions became insane
Your fortune and fame
Tears and fears
This is my conclusion...

For you...was it all worth it?

rAiNcRiEs
08.07.09
10:24pm

Silently Sleep Tonight

The dance floor is empty, its darkened and grey
A lonely spot light shinning alone
Urning for a single step, glide or turn
But Silent Feet undoubtedly will not return

Silent Feet where are you?
Where did you go?
This dance floor has gone dark
No finale show

A single pair of shoes
Now stand eerily alone
Only in a fantasy
Do they moonwalk into the unknown

Because everything is silent...
My dear Silent Feet
The world slipped off its access
Since you silently went to sleep

Now your dance floor on earth is empty,
But this lonely spot light still shines alone
Urning for your single step, glide or turn
But Silent Feet
How do I comfort it when I explain
You undoubtedly will never return?

Because your single spot light
Is haunting my dreams
Looking for an explanation
Or comfort it seems.

Michael,
My sweet sweet Silent Feet
Please help me, help this light
So that my Silent rAiN
Can silently go to sleep
With your Silent Feet
Tonight

rAiNcRiEs
08.21.09
3:24am

The Soundtrack of my Life

Inspired by Malc 'Em-Jay' Jennings
(Thank you mate, I love you!)



Reaching for my headphones
I put the record on
No matter what time in my life
There is a story behind each song

My own private library
Each tune sung by you
Memories caress my soul
While shedding a smile or two

Music, vision, life's dedication
Reliving my past
My childhood, adulthood, mind meditation
These feelings will forever last

The soundtrack of my life
will always begin and end with you
Since I was a small child
You have been intertwined in everything I do

Dance, beat, cosmetic illusion
Video, scenery, musical fusion
Passion, dedication, your death...
Mental confusion

Putting down my headphones
Realizing just what you have given to me
I begin to thank you aloud
So thankful that I have beautiful music
In which I play very proud

My own private library
Each song sung by you
Memories touch my soul
While shedding a tear or two

Our pain cuts like a knife
But when it becomes to much
All I have to do is reach for my headphones
And play The soundtrack of my life.

My beautiful gift...
that you have given me
That will keep me dancin'
You, my inspiring gift...
Michael Joseph Jackson
You are the Soundtrack of my Life

rAiNcRiEs
08.19.09
12:32am

How Does It Feel?

Why must I dream of you. Why since day one has this dream been haunting me. I have tried and tried to pick it apart. Tried and tried to analyze it, to try and understand. To have it make sense. Tried and tried...yet I am still left 'humbled in your grace'.

Enter dream state:

Sitting on this road curb. All is quiet, all is dark, very dark. The rain is falling on my face, yet my tears are still able to leave a stain on the pavement. I'm straining to see something, anything. I have never been to this place, yet I'm not in fear, or scared of this presence. A presence that is becoming very clear to me. A presence that my soul feels at ease with. I close my eyes hard, squeezing them very very hard, as the rain begins to fall harder. So hard its stinging my skin when it finally reaches my body. I feel someone or something staring at me, with deep intensity. I stand up away from the curb, with my eyes still tightly closed. I take 2 steps forward until I am pushed forcefully and then ajar to a stop. I quickly open my eyes, and there you stand in front of me. Wet, tired looking, drawn out...blank.

Michael? I wonder if I should say something. Is that you? I open my lips and mouth your name....Michael. I start to panic, because I'm trying to figure out, is it that I can't speak, or can I not hear myself calling out your name.

'Michael', 'Michael', 'Michael'...crying but still not able to hear myself, I go to try one more time, 'Michael'. The tiniest bit of a corner smile appears on your face before you raise your index finger and place it upon your lips to hush me.

I'm frozen in place, you walk toward me, very very close to me. So close that the rain drops that have been placed on your nose, fall gently onto mine. My heart feels like I am wearing it on my shoulder. I close my eyes once more...I wait a couple seconds before reopening them...when i open my eyes...you are so close to my face. So close in fact I can see the outline of your tears molding together. I hesitate before opening my mouth.

But you beat me to it...
"It's raining" you say to me. I cant speak...I smile.
"How does it feel?" A little louder now. "How does it feel".
I can still say nothing. You face gets very stern. Your voice changes. Gets very deep, very emotional....as you begin to scream at me.

"How does it feel huh?" How does it feel rain?"

Over and over again...each time the question is asked your voice gets louder. The rain is pounding down now. I am struggling to figure out which is the loudest in my ear..your voice of the pounding of the rain.

I reach out to touch you. The tears I had watched being molded together, now fall as a stream down your cheeks. 'Michael', 'Michael' still nothing. You step back away from me, as I fall down back to the curb.

My tears stinging my eyes as they fall harder and harder I cover my eyes to wash away these tears before more fall. I hear your knees hit the cement, startled I go to stand up...but I cant move. I look to you, still in front of me, yet far enough away that I can't touch you.

Your eyes meet mine, both deadlocked, both tear filled...

"How does it feel?" over and over again before you begin to evaporate within the rain. I am still straining to yell for you, yet I have no voice. Slowly you are taken away from me, blended into the heavy rain...the only thing left are your hands.

Before they evaporate...I wake up.

And every time I wake up from this dream...I am laying on a tear filled pillow, with my hands clenched tightly together.


Enter Reality....


Why Michael....why? Why is this dream haunting me? Why do I continue to have this Why are your hands always left? And why are you screaming deadly at me? Why Michael?

Cause if you want....I can finally tell you how it feels.
If you just stop yelling at me please, Mike

~Enough For Today~

Since June 25th, I believe in my heart...that most of us are in the exact same place. Emotionally, some physically....just plain drained. I know most of us for the past couple months express ourselves and others find our thoughts, emotions, and feelings similar. It's almost like others are going into our minds, and writing things in which we feel, and wish to say or express, but can not find the words. So...like always...we become each others voice.


The past week or so, have been a roller coaster for me. Amongst the daily woes of life, I have been been dealing with other things. In a power struggle with my mind, to keep me afloat, treading water amongst my sea of rAiNcRiEs. I have been hit hard, and in the past 2 days...I have completely given up, and let myself sink down...to a level in which I promised myself I wouldn't go again...never again...after June 13th 2005.


But I have...I have been fighting evil, in my surroundings but also in my mind. For a writer this is very tough for me, as it is subconsciously taking over my purest thoughts, emotions, and writings in which I use to cleanse myself.


So today, when I stirred about, and dragged myself out of bed, I went to my email box. I had 2 emails. Two, and by both of the subject lines, I knew that this battle was just beginning. I knew that the devil was testing me, to see how far i would let him in. To see how deep I would let him into my mind. But I opened them.

A private email, and a video...by the devil himself. After viewing both, the feeling of being completely sick to my stomach had risen, and I knew that I needed inspiration. Words of wisdom, words of purity, words from God himself....or by one of his 'workers'. I turned to Michael.

This poem or mini statement...has always touched me...but today...it seems to send such a completely different message to my heart... After my past 48 hours I use these inspirational words from our dear Michael...and relish in his beauty. In this beautiful picture he has painted, even tho by tragedian, he still makes the most beautiful sereal picture be placed into my mind.



~Enough For Today~

Dance rehearsals can go on past midnight, but this time I stopped at ten.
"I hope you don't mind," i said, looking up into space, "but that's enough for today".
A voice from the control room spoke. "You okay?"
"A little tired, I guess," I said.
I slipped on a windbreaker and headed down the hall.
Running footsteps came up behind me.
I was pretty sure who they belonged to. "I know y ou to well," she said, catching
up with me. "What's wrong?"
I hesitated. "Well , I dont know how this sounds, but I saw a picture today in the
papers. A dolphin had drowned in a fishing net.

From the way its body was tangled in the lines, you could read so much angony. Its eyes were vacant, yet there was still that smile, the one dolphins never lose, even when they die..." My voice trailed off.
She put her hand lightly in mine. "I know, I know'
"No, you don't know all of it yet.
It's not just that I felt sad, or had to face the fact that an innocent being had died.

Dolphins love to dance--of all the creatures in the sea,
that's their mark. Asking nothing from us, they cavort in the waves while we marvel.
They race ahead of ships, not to get there first but to tell us,
"It's all meant to be play. Keep to your course, but dance while you do it".
"So there I was, in the middle of rehearsal,
and I thought, 'They're killing a dance.'
And then it seemed only right to stop. I can't keep the dance from being killed,
but at least I can pause in memory, as one dancer to another.

Does thatmake any sense?"
Her eyes were tender. "Sure, in its way. Probably we'll wait years before
everyone agrees on how to solve this thing. So many interests are involved.
But its too frustrating waiting for improvements tomorrow.
Your heart wanted to have its say now"
"Yes," I said, pushing the door open for her.


"I just had this feeling, and that's enough for today."



~Michael Joseph Jackson~

Insomnia 7.7.09

Insomnia, this is nothing new
I have faced it time and time again
But something is different now
It's different because of you

In 8 hours you will be laid to rest
As the grieving world watches
And your moment of silence passes
This is supposed to bring people closure
Doubtful Michael, I must confess

Insomnia, wide awake
Thoughts of you rip at my mind
I haven't been able to stop weeping
My heart entering this confinement state

7 hours, 32 minutes, 46 seconds
Final farewells will be read
But how do you say goodbye, how do you let go?
When there is so much left unsaid
Before these tears are supposed to flow

2 hours, 32 minutes, and 23 seconds
The goodbyes will happen
I've been praying all night
That I can make it through
In the depths of my core
This is what I fight for you

1 hour, 1 minute, 35 seconds
The clock is ticking
So loud in my mind
Insomnia taken over
Not a wink of sleep
Your beautiful smile now shining in the darkness
Oh my God Michael, this is getting to deep

5 minutes, 43 seconds
Your memorial is about to begin
I've seen your mother, father
Sisters and brothers
I've seen flowers on a casket
Now now your beautiful children

Insomnia
Can it grab hold of you while you're awake?
Because Michael I would rather be dreaming
Then watching this...
Reliving your fate
While your whole world remains
In this dying state.

rAiNcRiEs
07.07.09
10:15am

Torn

'There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn'

Pigeons And Crumbs

Gotta get back
Gotta figure out a way
I'm losing - My senses to you
Where'd it go, the bluebird I should follow
Back home, but where is home
Guess it won't amount to much
Won't be long before I crush
I'll stand in line

Don't believe a thing they say, today
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

All alone
But I'm in a crowded room
I'm sinking, in quick sand tonight
You pick me up, And I shine across the sky till morning,
Then you colour me in
Guess it won't amount to much
Seems to me I've lost my touch
I'm back in line

Don't believe a thing they say today
Turn around and walk away
Everything will go your way, I pray
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

Gotta get in time
Gotta get it last time

Don't believe a thing they say today
Turn around and walk away
Everything will go your way, I pray
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

Don't believe a thing they say today
Turn around and walk away
Everything will go your way, I pray
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

~Natalie Imbruglia

MJ Tribute: Make The World A Better Place

Joel from Max-Jax wrote/made an emotionally beautiful tribute song for Michael. I think it speaks volumes to what most of us are feeling these days. His words ring so true, and touched me so much. I wanted to post, in the wishes that everyone listen, and become inspired...by our dear beloved Michael.

Thank you so much Joel!

~Silent Feet~

NOTE: This poem has taken 3 days to get out of my head, worded properly, and complete. Even know reading it back to myself, I feel that it's still missing something. Something more I wished to say, something more I know I'm feeling...but just like everything inside of my head since June 25th...nothing i turn into words make complete sense.

Silent Feet...silent feet, that's all my mind kept saying over and over. I had to go deep inside the depths of my soul to figure out these words. Silent feet...oh Michael, how I love your feet. Ever since I was a child I have been drawn to your feet, so attracted, amazed, in compete and udder love with their magical beauty.

Now they are silent...and have turned into my fantasy all over again.

My Silent Feet...oh how I miss you....
-----------------------------------------------


~Silent Feet~
(Michael,)

A single spot of light
Shines down, the tears it pours
Nothing left to fill it's void
Now stands alone, an empty dance floor

No rhythmic beat
Or passionate song
Sung by the wind that you would stir
Beneath your silent feet

It's urning for your embrace
This lonely empty dance floor
And the smile it would bring to your face
Continuing to dance; your feet would soar

But now sits a single spot light
Forever it will wait for you
It's flowing down, my tears it pours
I'm crying for your silent feet, upon this lonely empty dance floor

Because there is no more rhythmic beat
Or passionate song
Being sung by the wind that use to stir
Beneath your now silent feet

I love you eternally
~Beloved Legacy~

rAiNcRiEs
07.16.09~07.19.09
12:25am