How Does It Feel?

Why must I dream of you. Why since day one has this dream been haunting me. I have tried and tried to pick it apart. Tried and tried to analyze it, to try and understand. To have it make sense. Tried and tried...yet I am still left 'humbled in your grace'.

Enter dream state:

Sitting on this road curb. All is quiet, all is dark, very dark. The rain is falling on my face, yet my tears are still able to leave a stain on the pavement. I'm straining to see something, anything. I have never been to this place, yet I'm not in fear, or scared of this presence. A presence that is becoming very clear to me. A presence that my soul feels at ease with. I close my eyes hard, squeezing them very very hard, as the rain begins to fall harder. So hard its stinging my skin when it finally reaches my body. I feel someone or something staring at me, with deep intensity. I stand up away from the curb, with my eyes still tightly closed. I take 2 steps forward until I am pushed forcefully and then ajar to a stop. I quickly open my eyes, and there you stand in front of me. Wet, tired looking, drawn out...blank.

Michael? I wonder if I should say something. Is that you? I open my lips and mouth your name....Michael. I start to panic, because I'm trying to figure out, is it that I can't speak, or can I not hear myself calling out your name.

'Michael', 'Michael', 'Michael'...crying but still not able to hear myself, I go to try one more time, 'Michael'. The tiniest bit of a corner smile appears on your face before you raise your index finger and place it upon your lips to hush me.

I'm frozen in place, you walk toward me, very very close to me. So close that the rain drops that have been placed on your nose, fall gently onto mine. My heart feels like I am wearing it on my shoulder. I close my eyes once more...I wait a couple seconds before reopening them...when i open my eyes...you are so close to my face. So close in fact I can see the outline of your tears molding together. I hesitate before opening my mouth.

But you beat me to it...
"It's raining" you say to me. I cant speak...I smile.
"How does it feel?" A little louder now. "How does it feel".
I can still say nothing. You face gets very stern. Your voice changes. Gets very deep, very emotional....as you begin to scream at me.

"How does it feel huh?" How does it feel rain?"

Over and over again...each time the question is asked your voice gets louder. The rain is pounding down now. I am struggling to figure out which is the loudest in my ear..your voice of the pounding of the rain.

I reach out to touch you. The tears I had watched being molded together, now fall as a stream down your cheeks. 'Michael', 'Michael' still nothing. You step back away from me, as I fall down back to the curb.

My tears stinging my eyes as they fall harder and harder I cover my eyes to wash away these tears before more fall. I hear your knees hit the cement, startled I go to stand up...but I cant move. I look to you, still in front of me, yet far enough away that I can't touch you.

Your eyes meet mine, both deadlocked, both tear filled...

"How does it feel?" over and over again before you begin to evaporate within the rain. I am still straining to yell for you, yet I have no voice. Slowly you are taken away from me, blended into the heavy rain...the only thing left are your hands.

Before they evaporate...I wake up.

And every time I wake up from this dream...I am laying on a tear filled pillow, with my hands clenched tightly together.


Enter Reality....


Why Michael....why? Why is this dream haunting me? Why do I continue to have this Why are your hands always left? And why are you screaming deadly at me? Why Michael?

Cause if you want....I can finally tell you how it feels.
If you just stop yelling at me please, Mike