~Mistaken Delusions~

What is it about dreams that makes us strive to understand them?
Why do we allow them so much power we let them take over our restful sleep?

I have been dreaming, dreaming things I never imagined.
Dreaming things that seem so realistic, dreaming the truth -
Yet none is possible, and nothing makes sense
But I know my mind wont rest
until these dreams are made of sense.

Lately its hard for me to differ my nightmares from dreams.
When it comes down to it, the nightmares have become my dreams.
They are usually of the same subject, displaying the same faces, the same things.
Leaving me with more unanswered questions and mistaken delusions.
I don't know what it is about dreams that captivates me, pulls me in so close.
Puts a hold on my mind so that they are always thought about.

Some people say dreams are just an illusion of your subconsciousness.
It has been said you dream heavily if you go to sleep restless.
Or if you think continuously, you will usually dream of the last thing
you thought of. I don't know if i completely believe that.
In the last week I have been dreaming of my departed grandmother. I wouldn't call them nightmares, they are in fact dreams. i haven't been thinking about her, to where I would have continuous dreams.

My memories of my Nan are all good. She was always very good to us, to all her grandchildren - my only bad memory of her is in fact the day she passed away. I was late in getting to the hospital - she had already passed away with our family around her. By the time I got there they were placing her lifeless body into a blue bag. My last image of my Nan is her being wheeled down to the morgue in that bag.

Which is where the first dream takes place. The day she passed January 29th 2000. Except my dream changed the way she died. After that, night after night, dreams with her in them come and come. Then other people of importance in my life start to involve inside of them.

Christmas at the old family house...our last Christmas together.

I don't know...now while writing this maybe its the guilt mixed with the regret, maybe I'm dreaming of memories, or maybe it's just that time of year .

I'm the type of person who is determined to have things make sense. If I can't right away, I will do everything for it to happen. Usually I'm successful but I must confess my dreams of defeated me this time. And this doesn't sit well with me. Inside my soul, all the way to my defeated brain.

Is it my insomnia that is taking part in this? Is it forcing these dreams to take over, what little sleep my insomnia allows me? Is it playing a nasty game of catch me if you can?

Cause right now I'm a ball of confusion
And these dreams have taken over the spark
That lights my illusions
And left me with nothing
But a case of
Mistaken Delusions

12-13-09