~Gifts of Reasoning From God~

It’s funny how something from your past can come back to your present so hauntingly. Never did I think these two separate things would collide together. My past, in understanding reason, and my present knowing the reason.

These are my Gifts of Reasoning from God...

Grade 8...wow I was stuck inside myself back then. Censored myself. Let me dissolve myself, let my confinement eat me alive. Really now that I look back on it I believe I was scared of what my brain was putting on paper. I was scared to show myself in words, every writing telling my story. It was Jill Peacocke my grade 8 English teacher, who saw this, and tried so desperately to be the filter in which my words could blossom into what she believed would be my portrait of words. Gosh did she try so hard. Gave up so much of her time, invested so much of herself in me. She went well over the requirements of an English teacher. She would tell me everyday, everyday.... ‘You can push me away all you like Calnan, I’m not giving up on you.’ It used to drive me CRAZY because I knew she wouldn’t. I tried everything in my power to get her to leave me alone. I did some pretty mean things to her actually. I was rude, obnoxious, disruptive in class. Everything you can think of. Until D day...Her face stern...but loving. (Family and Friends that had her as a teacher know exactly what I’m talking about) I knew I was in for it. ‘Get out!’ I stood up, grabbed my books... ‘Not you, sit down Calnan.’ She was talking to the rest of the class. Sent them to the library, it would be there they remained the rest of the period. *While sitting here writing this, thinking about the tone of her voice, and the look on her face, I feel like a child again.* I was scared...I had pissed this sweet woman off. And now it was her turn to let me have it.


“Calnan, you can try this and that all you want. You can push me away, you can call me names, you can pick on me...but Laura it’s not going to make this go away. Not many people are blessed with a gift like you have. Many people struggle daily for ways to express themselves. You are naturally gifted to express every ounce of your being. You need to always remember this, and embrace it. It will be because of you...that people are brought into your life. It remains your duty to show them the reason. You have shown me, why I was brought into your life...Now let me help you. Everyone comes into your life for a reason ;this is my reason. Let it go Calnan, because it’s not going to let go of you. It will follow you for the rest of your life. Why do you think I pushed you and demanded you write this and that for this English class? Find your reasoning Laura...the reason has found you. You must find the reasoning because of it.”


I remember walking away from this woman feeling as if I was the size of an ant. But she was right. And she knew it.I didn’t get it right away, nor did I understand it, but many years later; I now do. And it was for this reason that she was brought into my life. Every time I’m struggling with myself over a piece I’m working on, or if I find my words are jopping up my brain. Ms. Peacocke is in the back of my mind...Thank you...thank you.


So...really I have always been the kind of person that wonders, and if I can’t figure out the reasoning it becomes non important to me until it is shoved in my face. In the end it ends up being something important, so I have to open my doors of confinement and find the reason. I don’t know if I would be able to do that, if it wasn’t for Jill Peacocke striving everyday to get me to open my door to her.

Many writings, many stories, many poems, many years later I became the same little girl in grade 8. With many waves of sadness, denials, tragedies, sickness and confinement I had completely closed myself off again. Not letting myself open my doors to anyone. Laura the recluse was back with a vengeance.

Enter June 2004:

I don’t know exactly how it happened. But in comes a woman banging on my door wanting in. Now I’m not talking about a house door...I’m talking about the door to my soul. Knocking at confinements door. I wish I could remember how it came about. I do remember it had something to do with Michael Jackson, and I sent a poem somewhere. What was my reasoning in doing so? I didn’t know...

I would receive emails from her almost daily. As we shared a common interest; Michael Jackson. And he would be the way for her to get to me. She sent me an invention to her group. I just let it sit there. Wondering...why is this woman wanting me to open my door so badly. Finally about 2 weeks of daily emails I gave in and joined Positive Voices4MJJ. What was my reasoning in doing so? I didn’t know...

It took awhile, but soon enough I felt comfortable to start sharing things with her, private things. We became close, very fast. It became clear very early, that we were brought together for a reason. Did both of us know it at the time? I believe she did, but my confinement was still holding me back.

One thing I did know, is that no matter how hard I tried to back off, step back, or politely push her away, Eve wasn’t going anywhere.

Some say God works in mysterious ways. Some say through prayer he blesses you. Others say if you give, then you shall receive. I don’t feel I fit into any of these categories, because at this point of my life, I wasn’t praying, and I most defiantly wasn’t giving anything. So where did my blessing of Eve come from? That’s a question for God to answer, not for me.

I’m not really sure of anything, but the one thing I am sure of is she was brought to my life exactly at the right time. For a reason, although technically I still am very unsure of what that reason is. I know if she was to write a follow up to this, she would tell you exactly what that reason was. She told me once:

‘I prayed for you...and then one day Jehovah brought you to me right before my eyes. That’s why I wouldn’t let you disappear. I couldn’t leave you alone, because I knew you were my gift from him’


Sound familiar? Yes...you guessed it. Nine years later, I was face to face with a completely different reasoning from God, but just like my English teacher she would be the other filter in which my words could blossom into what would become my portrait of words. Except this gift from God, would forever change my life in a completely different way.

It has only been 5 years, since I guess you could call it fate...brought us together. But in this short time I have learned so much, not only about myself, but about the world in which surrounds me. She has shown me things, and taught me things I don’t believe I would be able to see, or gained the knowledge of if she wasn’t in my life. She has seen me through a major battle with my demons that surround my confinement within myself. She like my teacher so many years ago has put in hours upon hours striving to show me I can’t quit. Although it was just her (and her family) along with Jehovah fighting my war with me, she (they) strapped on her (their) armor and was ready for battle. A mother’s love ended up winning this fight. And rAiNcRiEs was born once again.

These 5 years have been long, and together we have over came many obstacles together, fought many battles together, and now since June 25th 2009 we are struggling together. With the devastating loss of the main ingredient of our foundation that God has helped us create as spiritual mother and daughter.



Our beloved Michael...

I find myself writing this, with guilt ripping at my soul. The only feeling I have really been able to feel since he died. Because all her prayers, all her hard work, all her dedication as been sucked down and is drowning beside me again amongst my confinement. I’m stuck, and lately I see her trying her hardest to get me out of it. Trying to fight my battle again. But this time...she has her own war she is waging against, all the while trying to stay strong for me. For her big girl...

Ma,
There has been so many times you should have walked away from me, so many times I didn’t deserve your full attention. You have given me things, I never thought I could feel. You have shown me parts of my soul, that I never knew existed. And now I am able to pull emotions, and create pictures with words...that I don’t know could come from anywhere else but this place in which you have helped create. That can only be explained by a mothers love. You have always believed in me, even when there was no ground for you to stand on. You have always supported my visions, and my words...even when they didn’t (don’t) make sense. I wonder where you came from, and what I did to be allowed to witness your beautiful wisdom dancing along the shoreline of these rAiNcRiEs. You are a constant inspiration in my life...and I couldn’t imagine you not being in it...or for that fact, I have a hard time remembering you not being in it.

Lately it’s very hard for me to express myself to you. Its hard for my feelings to reflect any type of emotion, and I know sometimes that can hurt you. Because I know you feel like you are failing at trying to better things for me. But know...that if it wasn’t for you...these rAiNcRiEs would already be silent. Know...that this is the deepest my soul will let me go right now. I hope you understand. I pray for you to understand. Not just ‘respect my words’ but understand them.
I love you so, so, so, very much. Your stream that flows into this ocean is constant Mama, and you will always be the wind that blows these tears away and helps mold them into beautiful rAiNcRiEs for everyone to hear.


This is my Gift of Reasoning from God.. Did I fight it, yes. Do I know now why I was blessed with it? No. Some say I am a blessing, that I was given a gift. I just simply say I am someone who has been lost, almost her whole life. A confused soul that has always had something to say, just not had the means to say it.

That is until I found you...

rAiNcRiEs
Nov 13th 2009



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