An Open Letter To Michael

My Dearest Michael, August 29th, 2009

Every year since I was very young, I have written you an open letter. Last night/early this morning I happened to come across many years of words to you. Mostly written on certain days, important days, HIStorical days in your life...
Tonight's letter also falls on a day just for you August 29th, the day in which you were born, but I can't help but feel so strange about writing these words to you...to my sleeping silent feet.

Around the world, people are honouring you today, in so many different ways, in so many different styles. The innocence in the love shed for you, would bring you to tears Michael. If you could only see how truly, and humbly you are loved. I know a couple years ago you spoke about the smog, and the fact that you didn't feel appreciated, how unloved you felt. I'm so very sorry from the bottom of my heart that it took this...for the world to realize how much they love you. How much some took you for granted. It took this, for the world to really see you as a man, a brother, an uncle, a son...and a daddy. Not just Michael Jackson the Icon.

A couple things I wanted to say to you Mike...things I have said before and a couple I haven't. So I guess I will start at the beginning.

As you know at the tender age of just 5...I knew that you would be in my life forever. Being so small, but knowing exactly what I was witnessing, I surrounded my childhood, teenage years, and of course, my adult hood with you. At every different point of my life you are in it. You were the first man I ever truly loved. Deeply, unconditionally. Although our beings never touched, you helped me through so many things, so many.

When I was a young child, that child with the huge dream...you were to be the man I would marry. LoL. When I was in my 'youth' you were the boyfriend every girl wanted to have. When I became a teenager you were the big brother, who I loved more like a father figure. That never left...you were my big brother. Who I defended, protected, fought for, loved unconditionally, cried with, cried for...because I knew you would do the same for your loved ones. I did this, because it was natural for me, and because it was right. Michael my dear sleeping brother, this will never stop. I will defend, fight, kick, scream, cry for, and love you until my rAiNcRiEs are silenced to...until I too fall silently to sleep.

In 2004, on the day after your arrest, when I saw you taken into that police station in handcuffs, I felt so much dread I had no where to go, no one to turn to. I had no one to hold me up, as we fought for you. Then it was like out of no where...God lead me to PositiveVoices4MJJ. Or they found me, I haven't really understood how that works just yet. The only thing I do know for sure, is that God placed me in a beautiful aura to do exactly what I needed to do for you. But it was there, that I could defend, fight, scream, cry, and love you...except I had others to fall back on when things got to rough, and I needed help standing up. And others, were doing the same thing for you. Like a huge circle of positivity, and unconditional love for you.

Positive Voices 4MJJ...

Together we saw you through the worst thing that could be placed on innocence. We were so strong for you, even when it hurt to wake up in the morning, even when it hurt to read what was being said, when it just plain hurt...we stayed positive, we stayed strong because you needed us. Because in our hearts, our brother needed us. June 13th 2005 will be a day I will never forget. I will never forget how proud I felt to be a Michael Jackson fan that day, watching the innocence in your eyes walk out of that court room a free man...I was so proud of you...but I knew you weren't as free as the world thought you were.

Positive Voices 4MJJ...

We tried everything in our power to get messages to you, to tell you it's OK take your time. Do things for Michael. Take care of your children. You don't owe anyone anything! Did you receive some of them...yes I KNOW you did *wink* but...there are many of us that still wish, we could have done more for you. Our main mission, was to see you through, and that Michael, we accomplished. You knew how much PV4MJJ loved you, and honored you...respected you...and that's all that we could have asked for.

I wanted to thank you tonight, along with God. Because of you, and God...I was given *back* to my family. To the tag team, to my Mama. You will never ever know how much importance you are in that happening. You will never know how much your life, gave to mine...in giving me them *back* And how important you are in the foundation of our love.

Oh and Mike there is just one more thing. I'm not going to go into the story of how it became about, because this open letter would turn into a confessional...a long confessional, lol...but there is something else I wanted to thank you for.

rAiNcRiEs, thank you for my rAiNcRiEs, thank you for showing me that it's ok to let people in, as long as you shed the cries of the ones that matter. You will always be the first tear in this ocean of rAiNcRiEs, and every piece, every word, every rhyme, limerick, story or poem will be written in dedication and honor to you. Thank you so much for the gifts and blessings you have given to my life with the help from god.

I will always tribute to you, honor you, defend you, fight for you, celebrate you...and love you.

Today, 51 years ago you were born, the only thing that could make this day complete is you being here celebrating with the blanket of love, and the tears of innocence that will shed for you on this day.

June 25th 2009, will never go unnoticed...and I hope my sleeping brother, that you never feel unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, or blinded by the smog ever again. Cause your fans, loved ones, family and friends will continue on your dream, and relish in your Beloved Legacy. And show forth, just how important your message is, your life is, your work is. We will never let our Man in The Mirror fade away.


Thank you for today God... and thank you for bringing Michael Joseph Jackson to my life.

My Silent Feet....I love you, 'And that's for all time'

<3
rAiN

Was All This Worth It?

(Picture By Celeste 'Cel' Dixon 09)


Was all this worth it?
The glamour and blitz
Fortune and fame
Was it worth the risk?

Was it all worth it
The loneliness and pain
Only privacy in seclusion
That may become insane
With electric illusions

Was all this worth it?
Lies and stories
Photographs now shed names
Seclusion inside your illusions
All because the price of fame

Was it worth it?
To cry lonely tears
No where to run
Your illusions turning into your fears

Was all this worth it?
The glamour turning sick
Fortune and fame
Was it worth the risk?

Was it all worth it
Your loneliness and pain
Now no privacy in your seclusion
Illusions became insane
Your fortune and fame
Tears and fears
This is my conclusion...

For you...was it all worth it?

rAiNcRiEs
08.07.09
10:24pm

Silently Sleep Tonight

The dance floor is empty, its darkened and grey
A lonely spot light shinning alone
Urning for a single step, glide or turn
But Silent Feet undoubtedly will not return

Silent Feet where are you?
Where did you go?
This dance floor has gone dark
No finale show

A single pair of shoes
Now stand eerily alone
Only in a fantasy
Do they moonwalk into the unknown

Because everything is silent...
My dear Silent Feet
The world slipped off its access
Since you silently went to sleep

Now your dance floor on earth is empty,
But this lonely spot light still shines alone
Urning for your single step, glide or turn
But Silent Feet
How do I comfort it when I explain
You undoubtedly will never return?

Because your single spot light
Is haunting my dreams
Looking for an explanation
Or comfort it seems.

Michael,
My sweet sweet Silent Feet
Please help me, help this light
So that my Silent rAiN
Can silently go to sleep
With your Silent Feet
Tonight

rAiNcRiEs
08.21.09
3:24am

The Soundtrack of my Life

Inspired by Malc 'Em-Jay' Jennings
(Thank you mate, I love you!)



Reaching for my headphones
I put the record on
No matter what time in my life
There is a story behind each song

My own private library
Each tune sung by you
Memories caress my soul
While shedding a smile or two

Music, vision, life's dedication
Reliving my past
My childhood, adulthood, mind meditation
These feelings will forever last

The soundtrack of my life
will always begin and end with you
Since I was a small child
You have been intertwined in everything I do

Dance, beat, cosmetic illusion
Video, scenery, musical fusion
Passion, dedication, your death...
Mental confusion

Putting down my headphones
Realizing just what you have given to me
I begin to thank you aloud
So thankful that I have beautiful music
In which I play very proud

My own private library
Each song sung by you
Memories touch my soul
While shedding a tear or two

Our pain cuts like a knife
But when it becomes to much
All I have to do is reach for my headphones
And play The soundtrack of my life.

My beautiful gift...
that you have given me
That will keep me dancin'
You, my inspiring gift...
Michael Joseph Jackson
You are the Soundtrack of my Life

rAiNcRiEs
08.19.09
12:32am

How Does It Feel?

Why must I dream of you. Why since day one has this dream been haunting me. I have tried and tried to pick it apart. Tried and tried to analyze it, to try and understand. To have it make sense. Tried and tried...yet I am still left 'humbled in your grace'.

Enter dream state:

Sitting on this road curb. All is quiet, all is dark, very dark. The rain is falling on my face, yet my tears are still able to leave a stain on the pavement. I'm straining to see something, anything. I have never been to this place, yet I'm not in fear, or scared of this presence. A presence that is becoming very clear to me. A presence that my soul feels at ease with. I close my eyes hard, squeezing them very very hard, as the rain begins to fall harder. So hard its stinging my skin when it finally reaches my body. I feel someone or something staring at me, with deep intensity. I stand up away from the curb, with my eyes still tightly closed. I take 2 steps forward until I am pushed forcefully and then ajar to a stop. I quickly open my eyes, and there you stand in front of me. Wet, tired looking, drawn out...blank.

Michael? I wonder if I should say something. Is that you? I open my lips and mouth your name....Michael. I start to panic, because I'm trying to figure out, is it that I can't speak, or can I not hear myself calling out your name.

'Michael', 'Michael', 'Michael'...crying but still not able to hear myself, I go to try one more time, 'Michael'. The tiniest bit of a corner smile appears on your face before you raise your index finger and place it upon your lips to hush me.

I'm frozen in place, you walk toward me, very very close to me. So close that the rain drops that have been placed on your nose, fall gently onto mine. My heart feels like I am wearing it on my shoulder. I close my eyes once more...I wait a couple seconds before reopening them...when i open my eyes...you are so close to my face. So close in fact I can see the outline of your tears molding together. I hesitate before opening my mouth.

But you beat me to it...
"It's raining" you say to me. I cant speak...I smile.
"How does it feel?" A little louder now. "How does it feel".
I can still say nothing. You face gets very stern. Your voice changes. Gets very deep, very emotional....as you begin to scream at me.

"How does it feel huh?" How does it feel rain?"

Over and over again...each time the question is asked your voice gets louder. The rain is pounding down now. I am struggling to figure out which is the loudest in my ear..your voice of the pounding of the rain.

I reach out to touch you. The tears I had watched being molded together, now fall as a stream down your cheeks. 'Michael', 'Michael' still nothing. You step back away from me, as I fall down back to the curb.

My tears stinging my eyes as they fall harder and harder I cover my eyes to wash away these tears before more fall. I hear your knees hit the cement, startled I go to stand up...but I cant move. I look to you, still in front of me, yet far enough away that I can't touch you.

Your eyes meet mine, both deadlocked, both tear filled...

"How does it feel?" over and over again before you begin to evaporate within the rain. I am still straining to yell for you, yet I have no voice. Slowly you are taken away from me, blended into the heavy rain...the only thing left are your hands.

Before they evaporate...I wake up.

And every time I wake up from this dream...I am laying on a tear filled pillow, with my hands clenched tightly together.


Enter Reality....


Why Michael....why? Why is this dream haunting me? Why do I continue to have this Why are your hands always left? And why are you screaming deadly at me? Why Michael?

Cause if you want....I can finally tell you how it feels.
If you just stop yelling at me please, Mike

~Enough For Today~

Since June 25th, I believe in my heart...that most of us are in the exact same place. Emotionally, some physically....just plain drained. I know most of us for the past couple months express ourselves and others find our thoughts, emotions, and feelings similar. It's almost like others are going into our minds, and writing things in which we feel, and wish to say or express, but can not find the words. So...like always...we become each others voice.


The past week or so, have been a roller coaster for me. Amongst the daily woes of life, I have been been dealing with other things. In a power struggle with my mind, to keep me afloat, treading water amongst my sea of rAiNcRiEs. I have been hit hard, and in the past 2 days...I have completely given up, and let myself sink down...to a level in which I promised myself I wouldn't go again...never again...after June 13th 2005.


But I have...I have been fighting evil, in my surroundings but also in my mind. For a writer this is very tough for me, as it is subconsciously taking over my purest thoughts, emotions, and writings in which I use to cleanse myself.


So today, when I stirred about, and dragged myself out of bed, I went to my email box. I had 2 emails. Two, and by both of the subject lines, I knew that this battle was just beginning. I knew that the devil was testing me, to see how far i would let him in. To see how deep I would let him into my mind. But I opened them.

A private email, and a video...by the devil himself. After viewing both, the feeling of being completely sick to my stomach had risen, and I knew that I needed inspiration. Words of wisdom, words of purity, words from God himself....or by one of his 'workers'. I turned to Michael.

This poem or mini statement...has always touched me...but today...it seems to send such a completely different message to my heart... After my past 48 hours I use these inspirational words from our dear Michael...and relish in his beauty. In this beautiful picture he has painted, even tho by tragedian, he still makes the most beautiful sereal picture be placed into my mind.



~Enough For Today~

Dance rehearsals can go on past midnight, but this time I stopped at ten.
"I hope you don't mind," i said, looking up into space, "but that's enough for today".
A voice from the control room spoke. "You okay?"
"A little tired, I guess," I said.
I slipped on a windbreaker and headed down the hall.
Running footsteps came up behind me.
I was pretty sure who they belonged to. "I know y ou to well," she said, catching
up with me. "What's wrong?"
I hesitated. "Well , I dont know how this sounds, but I saw a picture today in the
papers. A dolphin had drowned in a fishing net.

From the way its body was tangled in the lines, you could read so much angony. Its eyes were vacant, yet there was still that smile, the one dolphins never lose, even when they die..." My voice trailed off.
She put her hand lightly in mine. "I know, I know'
"No, you don't know all of it yet.
It's not just that I felt sad, or had to face the fact that an innocent being had died.

Dolphins love to dance--of all the creatures in the sea,
that's their mark. Asking nothing from us, they cavort in the waves while we marvel.
They race ahead of ships, not to get there first but to tell us,
"It's all meant to be play. Keep to your course, but dance while you do it".
"So there I was, in the middle of rehearsal,
and I thought, 'They're killing a dance.'
And then it seemed only right to stop. I can't keep the dance from being killed,
but at least I can pause in memory, as one dancer to another.

Does thatmake any sense?"
Her eyes were tender. "Sure, in its way. Probably we'll wait years before
everyone agrees on how to solve this thing. So many interests are involved.
But its too frustrating waiting for improvements tomorrow.
Your heart wanted to have its say now"
"Yes," I said, pushing the door open for her.


"I just had this feeling, and that's enough for today."



~Michael Joseph Jackson~

Insomnia 7.7.09

Insomnia, this is nothing new
I have faced it time and time again
But something is different now
It's different because of you

In 8 hours you will be laid to rest
As the grieving world watches
And your moment of silence passes
This is supposed to bring people closure
Doubtful Michael, I must confess

Insomnia, wide awake
Thoughts of you rip at my mind
I haven't been able to stop weeping
My heart entering this confinement state

7 hours, 32 minutes, 46 seconds
Final farewells will be read
But how do you say goodbye, how do you let go?
When there is so much left unsaid
Before these tears are supposed to flow

2 hours, 32 minutes, and 23 seconds
The goodbyes will happen
I've been praying all night
That I can make it through
In the depths of my core
This is what I fight for you

1 hour, 1 minute, 35 seconds
The clock is ticking
So loud in my mind
Insomnia taken over
Not a wink of sleep
Your beautiful smile now shining in the darkness
Oh my God Michael, this is getting to deep

5 minutes, 43 seconds
Your memorial is about to begin
I've seen your mother, father
Sisters and brothers
I've seen flowers on a casket
Now now your beautiful children

Insomnia
Can it grab hold of you while you're awake?
Because Michael I would rather be dreaming
Then watching this...
Reliving your fate
While your whole world remains
In this dying state.

rAiNcRiEs
07.07.09
10:15am

Torn

'There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn'

Pigeons And Crumbs

Gotta get back
Gotta figure out a way
I'm losing - My senses to you
Where'd it go, the bluebird I should follow
Back home, but where is home
Guess it won't amount to much
Won't be long before I crush
I'll stand in line

Don't believe a thing they say, today
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

All alone
But I'm in a crowded room
I'm sinking, in quick sand tonight
You pick me up, And I shine across the sky till morning,
Then you colour me in
Guess it won't amount to much
Seems to me I've lost my touch
I'm back in line

Don't believe a thing they say today
Turn around and walk away
Everything will go your way, I pray
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

Gotta get in time
Gotta get it last time

Don't believe a thing they say today
Turn around and walk away
Everything will go your way, I pray
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

Don't believe a thing they say today
Turn around and walk away
Everything will go your way, I pray
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

~Natalie Imbruglia