~I Cried For You Today~

I cried for you today but unlike other days, it was different.
Since your death, I find it hard not to cry. Tears will fall at some point in the day. Sometimes with reason, other times for none at all. Sometimes I know they are coming, others not. What was different with today is I didn't cry 'because of you' I cried 'for you'....but rAiN...she did cry plenty of rAiNcRiEs for you'....Today I cried.

I have been reading a lot of different things, from your fans across the world. So many people I have met from so many different countries. Their stories become my story, and my story becomes theirs. In the end...it becomes 'our story'. All of us, in the millions, no matter what the situation is in some part of every fans story you seem to see a glimpse of your own Michael Jackson story. Weather it be the same age you became a fan, or what the first song you heard was, your favorite tour, for us woman...The gold pants *wink*. No matter what it is, somehow we all have a connection. And you Michael are our connection. Although it's funny, you can tell us old school fans and followers from the new generation. You see their age, and hear something like, 'My first Michael Jackson song I heard was You Are Not Alone, I was 7 years old and loved him since' Then you hear us old timers. Some go back to watching you on the Ed Sullivan show, others it was Off the Wall, or Thriller. But no matter what...all of us around the world are connected by your L.O.V.E

For me you are so many things but there is so much you aren't just...to me. Like a musician that I have followed my whole life. You aren't just someone that I have held higher then most things. That I have had the most respect, and undying love for. Michael you are so much more to me then this. I didn't think that I could respect and love you any more then I already did. Until I sat down and reminisced and was overwhelmed when I realize just how much you have given to me, and brought to my life. You did this, not just for me, but for millions upon millions of people from every point of the world.

You have given me many of my life's 'firsts'. From the very beginning my first adventure. I mean real adventure. At 5 years old...my first rule breaker, doing it...knowing the consequence. Realizing it, but still going for what my heart told me to do. I did this...and found you. My first 'crush'. My first 'beat'. Now when I say beat, I mean musically. Thriller...how that beat impacted my lil' 5 year old soul. It's that impact I still carry with me today, the same beat that still boom booms in my brain. There are so many 'firsts' I couldn't possibly list them all.

I cried for you today, after spending the day with my nephew. He is so in love with you Michael. My lil' mini me. He watches you with such intensity, with such purity, and love. The same silly look I had on my face at 5 years old. He wants so desperately to dance like you, and sing your songs...not only for himself but for me. Yesterday as he left my house I said to him. "Alright J, go and rock out with Michael". He said 'Oh don't you worry Aunty I will. And when I get big I'm gonna dance, and sing, and look just like him so you wont be as sad, and you wont miss him as much Aunty'

Gosh, even a 5 year old can see the pain raining out of my pours...God I'm crying for you Michael.



I cried for you today...but it's not like its been before. In a couple hours we will be welcoming a new decade, a brand new year...without you. How do we do this? How do we stop our tears? Tell me how do I stop crying for you?

Cause today I cried for you...and I can't stop.


~rAiNcRiEs
12.31.09~5:36pm

~Warm Cup Of Milk~

The over zelus look on a child's face
when they receive exactly what they desire
is one of the most heart warming feelings you can get.
It sits in your stomach
like a warm cup of milk nurturing your soul
Knowing....you took part in the creation of that smile.

~rAiNcRiEs~
12.27.09
11:32am

~The Movie~

The movie will begin in five moments
The mindless voice announced
All those unseated will await the next show.

We filed slowly, languidly into the hall
The auditorium was vast and silent
As we seated and were darkened, the voice continued.

The program for this evening is not new
You've seen this entertainment through and through
You've seen your birth your life and death
you might recall all of the rest
Did you have a good world when you died?
Enough to base a movie on?.

I'm getting out of here
Where are you going?
To the other side of morning
Please don't chase the clouds, pagodas

It's alright, all your friends are here
When can I meet them?
After you've eaten
I'm not hungry
Uh, we meant beaten

Silver stream, silvery scream

Oooooh, impossible concentration.

~Jim Morrison

Now It's Just Forgiving Myself?

So for a very long time I have been struggling with terrorizing myself over my actions, and basically who I was when I was younger and in school. As I have written before on here, Ms. Jill Peacocke my English teacher for wow, um a good (not in that sense!) couple years had been on my mind and I had been humming and thinking about her. I was determined to find her, and that I did. I must say. The internet is a scary place. www.goggle.ca and 2 words found her 'Peacocke' 'teacher' Bam there she was! Now that I had her 'job email' in my hands it was preparing myself to write her.

On Highland Secondary website I saw that not only does she still teach English but now also Psychology. Okay yep I buy that. I mean she was basically doing that since I have known her anyways.

I will admit I was extremely scared. That little girl back in grade 8 came up out of me. But my heart had to say what I needed to say, and I had to know that she 'knew' and heard not only my feelings, but my sincere apology and my thanks.

I entitled it Ms. Peacocke....It's me 'Calnan'

I can't imagine what went racing across her brain when she saw that in her email box the next morning. But when I awoke there was a reply waiting for me on my phone. This is what I opened up:

Well, Miss Calnan,
this is quite an email.
First, thank you for such kind words. Second, you have always been amazing, but nobody is really 'normal' in grade 8!! You were who you were..teachers have pretty tough skins, and don't take much personally. What I do love though, is that you are finding your way, and that is what really matters.
I do love my kids, and I am glad that love travelled with you. It is supposed to.
And a bit of you travels with me.
So, as I race off to get ready for class, I send you a big hug and a thank you for thinking of me. As Tennyson says in one of his poems, "I am a part of all that I have met"..we travel together still.
much love,
ms p

I couldn't believe it. After what I put this woman through for years...she still manages to say to me...'you have always been amazing'.

That single quote proves to me again...that she is one of my Gifts of Reasoning From God!

And even though I have said it before, and now have said it to her I will say it again:

'So many times you should have walked away from me...but you didn't. And because of your strength and endurance I am better because of you. Thank you so much Ms. P for everything you have ever done for me. You were truly a blessing in disguise in my life, I'm sorry it took me so many years to realize...and to say thank you.'

Now I guess it's just forgiving myself?
We'll get to that in another post!

Cheers!
rAiN

Fiction, or Paranormal Delusion?

'You Can't Miss What I Never Gave You -
Miss What I Left Behind For You'

~Mistaken Delusions~

What is it about dreams that makes us strive to understand them?
Why do we allow them so much power we let them take over our restful sleep?

I have been dreaming, dreaming things I never imagined.
Dreaming things that seem so realistic, dreaming the truth -
Yet none is possible, and nothing makes sense
But I know my mind wont rest
until these dreams are made of sense.

Lately its hard for me to differ my nightmares from dreams.
When it comes down to it, the nightmares have become my dreams.
They are usually of the same subject, displaying the same faces, the same things.
Leaving me with more unanswered questions and mistaken delusions.
I don't know what it is about dreams that captivates me, pulls me in so close.
Puts a hold on my mind so that they are always thought about.

Some people say dreams are just an illusion of your subconsciousness.
It has been said you dream heavily if you go to sleep restless.
Or if you think continuously, you will usually dream of the last thing
you thought of. I don't know if i completely believe that.
In the last week I have been dreaming of my departed grandmother. I wouldn't call them nightmares, they are in fact dreams. i haven't been thinking about her, to where I would have continuous dreams.

My memories of my Nan are all good. She was always very good to us, to all her grandchildren - my only bad memory of her is in fact the day she passed away. I was late in getting to the hospital - she had already passed away with our family around her. By the time I got there they were placing her lifeless body into a blue bag. My last image of my Nan is her being wheeled down to the morgue in that bag.

Which is where the first dream takes place. The day she passed January 29th 2000. Except my dream changed the way she died. After that, night after night, dreams with her in them come and come. Then other people of importance in my life start to involve inside of them.

Christmas at the old family house...our last Christmas together.

I don't know...now while writing this maybe its the guilt mixed with the regret, maybe I'm dreaming of memories, or maybe it's just that time of year .

I'm the type of person who is determined to have things make sense. If I can't right away, I will do everything for it to happen. Usually I'm successful but I must confess my dreams of defeated me this time. And this doesn't sit well with me. Inside my soul, all the way to my defeated brain.

Is it my insomnia that is taking part in this? Is it forcing these dreams to take over, what little sleep my insomnia allows me? Is it playing a nasty game of catch me if you can?

Cause right now I'm a ball of confusion
And these dreams have taken over the spark
That lights my illusions
And left me with nothing
But a case of
Mistaken Delusions

12-13-09

I Need To Rest (Exhaustion)

Exhaustion
Fatigue
Memory
of
Sin

I need to take shelter from the demons
That rest near my shoulder

Exhaustion
Pain
Light
gone
Dim

I need to get away from the strangers
That tell me tall tales in my ear

I
Need
To
Leave

To rest, the need

The
Need
To
Rest
The
Rest
Of
This
Life
Away

Peace (I need to rest)
In
Peace (I need to rest)

~rAiNcRiEs~

~Never Ending~

This never ending thought
Just won't go away
It's been on my mind
For forever and a day

A feeling I can not shake
A tear that just won't fall
A frozen ice burg that just wont break
Now surrounds this heart by a concrete wall

I have become nothing
A face who can no longer smile
Eyes that have seen much suffering
An empty heart whom only beats a while

This never ending thought
That wont stay away
From this battered mind
Where these dreams lay
Pray...
...rAiN
Pray....
...rAiN


rAiNcRiEs
11-27-09 12:19am