rAiN-ism Of The Day

'A Child's Innocence
And Undying Love
Can Make Your Heart Dance
With The Clouds Above'

~rAiNcRiEs~
~2009~

~Quiet Laughter /Rod & Jaime~

You only just left us
and here we are
Each time we sigh
or speak, or laugh
We see you

Like rings from a stone
thrown on still water
Each memory speaks to us
You have become our favorite music

But you’re not here.
The wind is too damn quiet without your laugh
Please come soon and sing with me
In a race of rings, and quiet laughter
~rAiNcRiEs~

"Whoever said it get's easier with time...is bull sh*ting.
It doesn't get any easier.
8 years later and it still makes me
fall to my knees.
I miss you both more then any words
I could possibly try and muster up
And my love for you both runs deep
I love you, Chowder my dear friends"

~The Reason I'm Alive~

Trying to sort out how I’m feeling
Trying to find something to say that has meaning
I know today your feeling blind
But I'm lost and too hard to find

What do you do
when the pressures on?
How do you smile
when you know that your wrong?
How do you know when it’s safe to fly?
How will I know when its my....
....My time to die?

So are you feeling empty yet?
Cause I’m feeling drained and confused
But there’s still some things I don’t get
Hidden messages in the words that you use

And crying
Never fixed a broken heart
Tryin’ to find the right place to start
To heal
My sadden soul

You cant tell me
I wasn’t on your side
so many nights I swallowed my pride
Just to console you

Did you really wanna crucify me?
Did you want me to die for all your sins?
I know that all you want now
Is for this conversation to end
before it even begins

I don’t know what’s supposed to happen now
Is the scene we part our separate ways
What made me think I’d live forever
When I never thought I’d live to see this day

Being sorry isn’t helping me now
I’m so close but too far away
I wasn’t searchin’ for a miracle
Just a reason
Why I’m Alive Today

Did you really, wanna crucify me?
Did you want me to die for all your sins?
I know all that you want now
Is for this conversation to end before it even begins
And being sorry isn’t helping me now
I’m so close but too far away
I wasn’t searchin’ for a miracle
Just a reason
Why I’m Alive Today


Jaime Bjarnason ~2000~

~Wild Kingdom~

(Picture © Manu-Claude C/O Flicker.com)

I am a path in your labyrinth
Remove me from this hall of mirrors
This filthy glass
A faceless prince

Pulled by forces
Still I have no name
Let's escape to the wild kingdom
Flash, then forgive me
Memories remain the same

Pound my hands
Over his empty heart
Give me warm eyes to remember him whole
As his labyrinth turns to dust
The hourglass has been put to rest
And my path is no longer
Death

rAiNcRiEs ©
Original 1997
Remixed 2009

~Gifts of Reasoning From God~

It’s funny how something from your past can come back to your present so hauntingly. Never did I think these two separate things would collide together. My past, in understanding reason, and my present knowing the reason.

These are my Gifts of Reasoning from God...

Grade 8...wow I was stuck inside myself back then. Censored myself. Let me dissolve myself, let my confinement eat me alive. Really now that I look back on it I believe I was scared of what my brain was putting on paper. I was scared to show myself in words, every writing telling my story. It was Jill Peacocke my grade 8 English teacher, who saw this, and tried so desperately to be the filter in which my words could blossom into what she believed would be my portrait of words. Gosh did she try so hard. Gave up so much of her time, invested so much of herself in me. She went well over the requirements of an English teacher. She would tell me everyday, everyday.... ‘You can push me away all you like Calnan, I’m not giving up on you.’ It used to drive me CRAZY because I knew she wouldn’t. I tried everything in my power to get her to leave me alone. I did some pretty mean things to her actually. I was rude, obnoxious, disruptive in class. Everything you can think of. Until D day...Her face stern...but loving. (Family and Friends that had her as a teacher know exactly what I’m talking about) I knew I was in for it. ‘Get out!’ I stood up, grabbed my books... ‘Not you, sit down Calnan.’ She was talking to the rest of the class. Sent them to the library, it would be there they remained the rest of the period. *While sitting here writing this, thinking about the tone of her voice, and the look on her face, I feel like a child again.* I was scared...I had pissed this sweet woman off. And now it was her turn to let me have it.


“Calnan, you can try this and that all you want. You can push me away, you can call me names, you can pick on me...but Laura it’s not going to make this go away. Not many people are blessed with a gift like you have. Many people struggle daily for ways to express themselves. You are naturally gifted to express every ounce of your being. You need to always remember this, and embrace it. It will be because of you...that people are brought into your life. It remains your duty to show them the reason. You have shown me, why I was brought into your life...Now let me help you. Everyone comes into your life for a reason ;this is my reason. Let it go Calnan, because it’s not going to let go of you. It will follow you for the rest of your life. Why do you think I pushed you and demanded you write this and that for this English class? Find your reasoning Laura...the reason has found you. You must find the reasoning because of it.”


I remember walking away from this woman feeling as if I was the size of an ant. But she was right. And she knew it.I didn’t get it right away, nor did I understand it, but many years later; I now do. And it was for this reason that she was brought into my life. Every time I’m struggling with myself over a piece I’m working on, or if I find my words are jopping up my brain. Ms. Peacocke is in the back of my mind...Thank you...thank you.


So...really I have always been the kind of person that wonders, and if I can’t figure out the reasoning it becomes non important to me until it is shoved in my face. In the end it ends up being something important, so I have to open my doors of confinement and find the reason. I don’t know if I would be able to do that, if it wasn’t for Jill Peacocke striving everyday to get me to open my door to her.

Many writings, many stories, many poems, many years later I became the same little girl in grade 8. With many waves of sadness, denials, tragedies, sickness and confinement I had completely closed myself off again. Not letting myself open my doors to anyone. Laura the recluse was back with a vengeance.

Enter June 2004:

I don’t know exactly how it happened. But in comes a woman banging on my door wanting in. Now I’m not talking about a house door...I’m talking about the door to my soul. Knocking at confinements door. I wish I could remember how it came about. I do remember it had something to do with Michael Jackson, and I sent a poem somewhere. What was my reasoning in doing so? I didn’t know...

I would receive emails from her almost daily. As we shared a common interest; Michael Jackson. And he would be the way for her to get to me. She sent me an invention to her group. I just let it sit there. Wondering...why is this woman wanting me to open my door so badly. Finally about 2 weeks of daily emails I gave in and joined Positive Voices4MJJ. What was my reasoning in doing so? I didn’t know...

It took awhile, but soon enough I felt comfortable to start sharing things with her, private things. We became close, very fast. It became clear very early, that we were brought together for a reason. Did both of us know it at the time? I believe she did, but my confinement was still holding me back.

One thing I did know, is that no matter how hard I tried to back off, step back, or politely push her away, Eve wasn’t going anywhere.

Some say God works in mysterious ways. Some say through prayer he blesses you. Others say if you give, then you shall receive. I don’t feel I fit into any of these categories, because at this point of my life, I wasn’t praying, and I most defiantly wasn’t giving anything. So where did my blessing of Eve come from? That’s a question for God to answer, not for me.

I’m not really sure of anything, but the one thing I am sure of is she was brought to my life exactly at the right time. For a reason, although technically I still am very unsure of what that reason is. I know if she was to write a follow up to this, she would tell you exactly what that reason was. She told me once:

‘I prayed for you...and then one day Jehovah brought you to me right before my eyes. That’s why I wouldn’t let you disappear. I couldn’t leave you alone, because I knew you were my gift from him’


Sound familiar? Yes...you guessed it. Nine years later, I was face to face with a completely different reasoning from God, but just like my English teacher she would be the other filter in which my words could blossom into what would become my portrait of words. Except this gift from God, would forever change my life in a completely different way.

It has only been 5 years, since I guess you could call it fate...brought us together. But in this short time I have learned so much, not only about myself, but about the world in which surrounds me. She has shown me things, and taught me things I don’t believe I would be able to see, or gained the knowledge of if she wasn’t in my life. She has seen me through a major battle with my demons that surround my confinement within myself. She like my teacher so many years ago has put in hours upon hours striving to show me I can’t quit. Although it was just her (and her family) along with Jehovah fighting my war with me, she (they) strapped on her (their) armor and was ready for battle. A mother’s love ended up winning this fight. And rAiNcRiEs was born once again.

These 5 years have been long, and together we have over came many obstacles together, fought many battles together, and now since June 25th 2009 we are struggling together. With the devastating loss of the main ingredient of our foundation that God has helped us create as spiritual mother and daughter.



Our beloved Michael...

I find myself writing this, with guilt ripping at my soul. The only feeling I have really been able to feel since he died. Because all her prayers, all her hard work, all her dedication as been sucked down and is drowning beside me again amongst my confinement. I’m stuck, and lately I see her trying her hardest to get me out of it. Trying to fight my battle again. But this time...she has her own war she is waging against, all the while trying to stay strong for me. For her big girl...

Ma,
There has been so many times you should have walked away from me, so many times I didn’t deserve your full attention. You have given me things, I never thought I could feel. You have shown me parts of my soul, that I never knew existed. And now I am able to pull emotions, and create pictures with words...that I don’t know could come from anywhere else but this place in which you have helped create. That can only be explained by a mothers love. You have always believed in me, even when there was no ground for you to stand on. You have always supported my visions, and my words...even when they didn’t (don’t) make sense. I wonder where you came from, and what I did to be allowed to witness your beautiful wisdom dancing along the shoreline of these rAiNcRiEs. You are a constant inspiration in my life...and I couldn’t imagine you not being in it...or for that fact, I have a hard time remembering you not being in it.

Lately it’s very hard for me to express myself to you. Its hard for my feelings to reflect any type of emotion, and I know sometimes that can hurt you. Because I know you feel like you are failing at trying to better things for me. But know...that if it wasn’t for you...these rAiNcRiEs would already be silent. Know...that this is the deepest my soul will let me go right now. I hope you understand. I pray for you to understand. Not just ‘respect my words’ but understand them.
I love you so, so, so, very much. Your stream that flows into this ocean is constant Mama, and you will always be the wind that blows these tears away and helps mold them into beautiful rAiNcRiEs for everyone to hear.


This is my Gift of Reasoning from God.. Did I fight it, yes. Do I know now why I was blessed with it? No. Some say I am a blessing, that I was given a gift. I just simply say I am someone who has been lost, almost her whole life. A confused soul that has always had something to say, just not had the means to say it.

That is until I found you...

rAiNcRiEs
Nov 13th 2009



----------------
Now playing: Like A Mother Would Do (Konstantinos Feat. rAiN)
via FoxyTunes

rAiN-ism Of The Day

Compassion
Doesn't
Always
Mean
Tears
Have
To
Fall
Off
Your
Cheek,
rAiN
Understands
~rAiNcRiEs~ ©

~Do Thy?~

A piece of thou's life
fell into thy hand.
Do thy dare dance with the devil
or do thy leave thou
to dance alone in the rain?

Do thy put thou in the same
trans as thou did thy?
Leaving thou speechless
to unaware to attend
Leaving thy to dance thy solo again.

Do thy let thou beg on thou knees
Pleading thou's case.
or do thy hold in thy hand
thou's cell key.
Where thou will see the devil
dance in the face of mercy.

That piece of thou's life
that fell into thy's lap
Thy used it to dance with the devil
Thou used it to get thy back
Then thy solo was left thou's
After the fact.

rAiNcRiEs © 11.15.09 7:24am

~Insanity~

What happens when life falls at your feet,
and makes you drop in complete
~Insanity~

Do you cry yourself a river,
and pray that later that night
you may sleep; deep
And never again awaken
to the sweet morning rain?

Or is that just me?

Dying to be free
from my complete
~Insanity~

rAiNcRiEs©
11.15.09 6:39am

rAiN-ism Of The Day

Even Though
I Sometimes Hear
Your Silent Feet
Loudly Pacing
Passed My Ear

You’re Still
Eternally
Invisible

So Carry On
Carry On
Dancing...
...Ghosts

~rAiNcRiEs~
©2009

A Circle of Inspiration For Michael

I was greeted today with a message from a Michael/Janet fan via my Last.fm account. Getting spur of the moment, or random messages from people around the net isn't anything new to me. A lot of people have expressed their gratitude, thanks or praise for my words. Saying my stories, and writings have helped them overcome, or deal with their grief over the loss of our Michael. Sometimes not only with Michael, but with other things. I have also gotten some messages of thanks telling me I have inspired them to do something to honor Michael, in different forms. But I must say, the message I got today, not only told me about the inspiration, but showed it. I wanted to share it here, on Beloved Legacy. This was made by screen name 'wg5516' and this was the message attached to it:
Hello. I stumbled across your blog and was inspired by it. I created this artwork and used one of your pieces as a tribute to MJ.


A poem from a fellow Michael/Janet fan, rAiN from Maximum-Jackson.com
(Thank U & with love. L.O.V.E.)

I have been struggling very hard the last couple months trying to figure out how to feel about all of this. At first I was taken back, the fact that people were finding solitude, and comfort in my pain and grief. As I have stated many times before. When Michael passed, I made this blog for myself. To have a place for me to run to, to put all my feelings, thoughts, pains, emotions, denials, confessions, and delusions. Knowing how I am, and being a writer, I had to do this selfishly for myself. Little did I know, what this blog would become on June 25th, when my real sense of feelings, and my ultimate inspiration died along the side of him.

Beloved Legacy is no longer mine, it has become a sense of home for some fans. It isn't just mine anymore. This blog now belongs not only to rAiNcRiEs and to the Legacy of Michael Jackson, but to you all, the truest love that have ever been formed. Michael Jackson has brought out the best in people, and through him, I am receiving a fraction of it. Although right now, it is very hard for me to feel, I mean to really feel all of your guys expressions of love, and thanks, and encouragement and praise...I am working very hard to allow myself to feel it. Until I open my heart again, and allow myself to start mourning the loss of him...I can't fully say or express in words my thanks to you all. Your messages are not going unnoticed, or unappreciated...For those that don't really know me...I am just in a struggle right now. I'm a cold circle that just keeps going around and around, with no open door. And because of you all...my circle has become a circle of inspiration in honor of Michael. I don't really have any words to express that any further.

Some have said to me, that this is God's Will...this is what I'm supposed to be doing. This is what I put here on earth to do...All I know, is that on June 25th, 2009 when I was praying to him; Beloved Legacy was born. Never did I expect this to happen though.

So sorry that I haven't been able to respond to all of your messages privately one on one, I don't emotionally have it in me to do that right now. That's why when I received this beautiful art work, and the short message of inspiration, I thought I would post it all in one, along with my little note to you all.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, thank you Michael...and thank you God.

'It's All 4 Love
L.O.V.E'


~Respectfully,
rAiN


(All art work on display in this post is designed by 'wg5516')

rAiN-ism Of The Day

There Are No Sorrows
God Can't Heal
~rAiNcRiEs

All The F**king Time

Even if I wrote these words
Different a million times
It would still sound the same
Even end in the same rhyme

Cause I have you in my head
Twenty four hours a day
All the f**king time

I can't break this cycle
I don't know how
You are on repeat
All the f**king time Michael

All these words
Every sound
Replaying that day
Every f**king day
All the f**king time

Cause I have you in my head
Twenty four hours a day
All the f**king time