~This Is What It's Like Not To Feel~

I am but a shallow pit
Nothing to express, no feelings to share
But a cold wind that surrounds my being
And a need not to care

I am but a freezing soul
Nothing to inspire, no emotion to shed
But a cold stare that covers this face
And these empty tears my eyes do pour

I am but a lifeless hole
A bottomless ocean, with no revolving tide
No ripples left in my waves
Since the second you died

What’s there to do
When your ocean runs dry
And you are left with nothing
But thoughts in your mind

That leave you completely lost since
The day your world stood still
And left behind this innocence
And the memories it did kill

No feeling
Just empty tears
Since the day you died
Leaving me to drown
Amongst these rAiNcRiEs

This is what it’s like not to feel

rAiNcRiEs ©10.31.09 7:31pm

Thriller

The hour of the wolf has now ended
The song, the stage, the year
Is built up again
1982
Singing in darkness

We must leave the theater
Struggling;
Trying to be banned
From the forever

The movie panic
And the black walk
Through the grave yard

Dead folks in weird dress
Dancing by the side of the girl

Thriller

rAiNcRiEs
Original 1997 Remixed 2005

Happy Halloween!

When A 5 Year Old Yearns For Michael

Alright well where to start with this? I guess from the beginning.

My oldest nephew was born May 19th 2004. My sister and I are very close,
in fact for a couple years I lived behind her. So literally we were that close!

During the time in which she was pregnant with Jaden, I always played Michael's music, because I had heard that music can help and stimulate a baby even in the belly. So yes I was that weirdo Aunty that tried to have headphones on my sisters gut playing Michael's music. Total nerd! Ya that was me.

So to say Michael has been in Jaden's life since the beginning would be more then a correct statement.
In fact for many months after he was born, he HAD, and I STRESS HAD to be put to sleep by Michael's 'We Are The World' Demo. Once I messed up and put on the Various artist version, oooweee Jaden told me off...at 2 months old, wow yes...so from then on it was THE DEMO VERSION.

And I'm not just talking a couple times, I'm talking every nap, every bed time, when he needed to be calmed down. There was burnt disc's everywhere with just that one song on it. If you had Jaden, the CD had to go with him. We just got smart and burnt everyone in the family a copy...shooot! Jaden had that song on lock down.

Which is why its so hard for me to hear it now, I break down as soon as I hear the music start. Not the real version, just the demo! That song is so special to my family.

Enter June 25th 2009:

I thank God everyday that Jaden wasn't here with me when I got the news about Michael. My sister and her kids (my youngest nephew Dylan was born 20 days before...on June 5th) were on the island visiting my parents. But I guess during our local news broadcast they went live to 'It's confirmed, Michael Jackson has died at age 50' Of course my sister, and parents were watching the news...and yes Jaden was right there.

I got a text from my sister asking why didn't I text her and tell her. As this was about an hour after the confirmation. She called me right away, and I could hear Jaden in the background. I was crying so hard, and my sister was crying...Jaden...all he wanted was to just 'Let me talk to my Aunty'. 'I want to talk to my Aunty.'

So finally when I was able to control my tears, and 'sound' okay Jaden got on the phone. Ever since he started to talk Jaden's title for Michael has always been "Aunty's friend Michael Jackson" That's how he referred to him. Let me remind everyone that he is 5 years old....

'Hi Aunty. Are you okay?'
"Hi J, yes Aunty is fine"
'I don't fink so Aunty cause the TV is saying your friend Michael Jackson went to heaven'

*OH GOD HELP ME*

"Yes Jaden, he did"
'Well I know you are sad and crying Aunty, I know okay.'

I could hear him start to weep....my nephew was crying for me.

I couldn't say anything else to this little boy, because I was crying so hard and I lost control to what I was thinking/doing.
I had to hang up on him...I just had to.


He has brought Michael up every so often...specially on my husband and my anniversary which was Sept 28th.

Jaden walks into our house with this card that he picked out for us. The cover is 2 people dressed as mummy's...you open it up and it says im so glad that we found each other...Happy Halloween. But my sister crossed out the 'We' and put 'You' and crossed out Halloween and put anniversary. In the inside of the card, she explains in ( ) that Jaden had picked the card out for us. He signed his name.

The cute part...is before I could even get the card open this comes out of his mouth. I will write it the way, this 5 year old said to it me...lol And I do quote :

'So um Aunty we got you dees Michael Jackson fings, like for his concert or whatever...but I dont see how dat works causes hes like in heaven...whats he gonna do, dance and sing in heaven and den the projector shines it down like at the outside drive in that my daddy takes me to all da time?'

So i explain to him that its a movie that was made with all the video of him before he passed away. He then responds:

'Huh..well I guess that is OK den Aunty, cause if Michael Jackson would really be dancing in heaven and shinning down from the projector. We would have to call da ambulance for you. And you would have to go to the hospital and you would miss the concert and be alllll angry (eye roll). Least now you can cry in the movie theater and eat your popcorn'

This child isn't stupid...he knows what's up!

So two days ago now. My sister calls me up and says can we come over, Jaden wants to see you and I was thinking you could show him the Thriller video. Hes really liking the song right now. Said sure. (The boys at been at my parents house so I hadn't seen him in a week)

They show up and I put the video on for him. He sits down beside me on the couch and it starts to play. At first he looked a little shocked, and he said 'Aunty dat is Michael Jackson?' I said yes it was. We watched...I kept watching his facial expressions. Reminded me...of myself. Exactly his age, exactly my reaction, as we both witnessed the most amazing thing on earth. Michael Joseph Jackson. Just 23 years apart.

I was so proud in the moment the video was done. Jaden's face was lit up so bright. So fascinated by what he just saw. He was jumping around, dancing, yelling 'Thriller, thriller night' It made me giggle. That's my boy :)

I guess after they went home, all Jaden did was talk about Michael to my sister, his baby brother, anyone who would listen really. The next day (yesterday) I went over there, to watch the boys for a couple hours. As soon as I got in the car, Jaden started....

'Aunty I made you dis Michael Jackson werewolf picture, just like in his video'. 'You know da Thriller video Aunty' He just wouldn't stop. I listen to the music playing on the cd player...'Earth Song'. I said to my sister, what is going on? All she said was 'It's all about Michael, sis'. I felt my gut start to turn. As I realized what I faced tonight, with this nephew of mine...who has simply fallen in love with Michael Jackson. It's like a mini me. Watching myself years later. Except one thing is different...Jaden will have only 'past time', old memories, which will be new for him...but he will never experience new 'time'.

((God thank you for my time...my years, and years of time...Michael time. I will continue to cherish every second of it, and will pass my time down to Jaden until I too eternally fall asleep.))

So after my sister left, and it was just me and the boys Jaden started right away on the subject of Michael. Asking question after question about the Thriller video and the song, and singing 'Beat It' and finally convincing me to put the song on...I started Thriller. This little boy knew every word. Ever word...in the matter of 2 days...learnt every word. Makes me wonder now, how many times he convinced my sister to play it for him. This was so new to me. Most people would think looking from the outside in, that this sudden interest with Jaden came from me. But no...I was completely oblivious because of my lack of reality when it comes to Michael since June 25th...and Jaden never came at me with it because I think when he noticed me..notice Michael...I was like a zombie. So no...this isn't me pushing Mike on the kid...this is simply all Jaden.

After I let the music play on for a bit, I turned it off. Jaden instantly came at me with more questions, questions I wasn't ready for. And well, shoot even if I was ready, I still wouldn't have the proper answers for a 5 year old to understand. This is what Jaden came at me with:

'Aunty, how come Michael's skin isn't brown like Baba's (my husband) anymore?'

God help me, how do I explain Vitiligo to a 5 year old?

I told him things in small terms, things he could understand. Then I started to personalize Michael's skin disease with Jaden's hearing loss.

(In April of this year Jaden was hit hard by a rare case of Bacterial Meningitis that was almost fatal. And took 80% of his hearing in one ear.)

I told J that sometimes Michael had to wear make up (Jaden brought up the lipstick) because of his skin problem. Told him that sometimes people made fun of him and called him names...hurt his feelings. I said, 'You wouldn't like it if people made fun of you because of your hearing problem right?' So he got it...

I said Michael was sad for a long time Jaden, cause people were so mean to him when his skin starting turning white...from brown. Used to make Michael cry.
As I was telling him this, Jaden started to weep... we were in at the computer and he hit the play button on this MJ video mix that was on the screen. Jaden got on my knee and was hugging me so tightly, while his head faced the computer screen. Watching Michael, deeply...as tears streamed down his face. All a sudden I could hear my nephew 'talking' to him. In that instant, Jaden sits up and holds my face...
(now I too am crying) and says to me, 'Aunty Michael is in heaven, so he is alright. He isn't sad anymore, and no one can hurt his feelings...in heaven. So we don't have to worry about him being sad anymore...............okay Aunty'?

Then he asked me the worst possible question ever....

'Aunty how did Michael go to heaven?' I sat there, in silence.
'Aunty how did Michael die'

I couldn't do anything but say 'He had an accident baby' and I just held him, and rocked him...All the while my heart just breaking so intensely.


*HEART BREAK HOTEL*

We cried until the end of the video was over...I ran him a bath and got him ready for bed. Kissed him goodnight, told him I loved him. And returned the couch. 10 minutes later...I hear my 5 year old nephew...singing himself to sleep.

'Beat it, Beat it, Beat it...
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right'

This child sang Michael to sleep.

That night killed me, killed my spirit,and my soul...because I had no words to comfort him. I had no words that could make him feel better. This child is yearning for him. And there is nothing I can do for him. Because I haven't dealt with June 25th. I haven't really started my grieving process, or my mourning. I too am yearning for him...the same yearning I have had since I was 5 years old...23 years ago...When I saw the most beautiful thing my baby eyes had ever seen.



Now Jaden...the boy born with my eyes, the boy following in my footsteps, my nephew 5 years old has looked through those same eyes



and too has fallen in love with Michael Jackson.


God, help me help him. Help him, help me.

What are you supposed to do, when a 5 year old yearns for you now Michael, because today 4 months ago...you eternally fell asleep. And time is but a memory.



~rAiNcRiEs
Oct 25th 2009
7:03am




----------------
Now playing: Michael Jackson - We Are the World [Demo Version]
via FoxyTunes

~For Just a Minute~

~I found this tonight...early this morning I should say. I don't really recall my reasoning for writing it, which is why I always date and time stamp all my writing. But as I started to read my words. I couldn't help but start to feel overwhelmed with grief, as my words started to paint a deep picture of Michael...and this years events. It wasn't until I got to the end of the poem, emotionally drained and my eyes burning with stinging tears that I read my time/date stamp. Ironic? who's to say. Scary? who's to say. Completely eerie? Yes that I can say. This was written on June 25th, 2008. A Year before the world slipped of its access, a year before the world stood still, on the day....we all 'Cried At The Same Time'

Will you think of Mike...For Just a Minute?

~Laura ('rAiN'cRiEs)
Oct 22.2009





When you think of me
For just a minute
Will it be with a smile?
With dancing eyes
For just a moment in time
That will last you awhile

When a thought of me passes you by
For just a minute
Will it hang your head in sorrow?
And in that minute
Will you finally be able to say goodbye?

In that moment of time
When you remember me
For just a minute
Will it bring you to laughter?
Wishing I was with you
For just a minute
To share that laughter
For just a minute
After;
My laughter disappears

When you think of me
For just a minute
Will it bring you to tears?
Will it make you miss me?
For just a minute
After all those years

When you remember me
For just a minute
Will it make you sad?
Wondering if I did all I wanted
For just a moment;
In the little time I had

When you think of me
For just a tender minute
Will it be with tearful laughter?
Wishing I was with you
For just a minute longer
To share in your laughter
For just a minute
After;
My laughter disappears

….Think of me
…For Just a Minute

~rAiNcRiEs~

06.25.08
1:49am

When?

So many things have all just come center fold
in the past couple days about you. I have to wonder if
I wished I didn't know them. Or really if I was better off not knowing.
Even though, I always knew. But to hear it come out of your mouth.
The hurt in your words...and finally read in detail. What exactly you did
to your body...your beautiful, beautiful body.

I have been going back in time. Trying to remember everything you have said, that I have
heard you say. Your feelings, the stories. The tears you have shed. Wow the world was so blind.
Many just had no clue. Then I get angry and wonder why the people that truly love you...never trusted
themselves enough to try and stop you. To get you help. Someone for you to talk to. Someone to love you.

But...then again, who was there for you to trust?

I wonder when the self loafing started with you. Was it at the starting of your career? Joseph? When your vitaligo became noticable?
The pepsi accident?
When did you start feeling that you needed to hide the real you...
not hide to the world, or your fans...but hide from yourself?
I keep wondering why?
Why you didn't listen, why you thought you didn't need to listen.
To your Mother, your sister, your true friends...to Jehovah.


When Michael...

When did you start not trusting yourself?

Cause no matter what you thought, or didn't think.
No matter what you changed, or tried to change
No matter when this happened, no matter...why it happened.

Nothing is going to bring you back
Nothing is going to change your mind
Nothing is going to change the past
Nothing is going to change June 25th 2009

I just wish before you fell asleep, you just listened...if only for a second.

I love you boy, and I miss those silent feet.

Beyond anything!

~rAiN