~Confinement~

To some, it will seem as if I have started to stear my heart
in the right direction to meld my pain and tears together...
to mend this broken heart, that is completely aching for you.
But...I have come to the realization that
I have just pushed the idea, and the actual reality into the very back of my pain...
And im letting it seep through the surface.
Just enough to make the people around me and surrounding me believe that I am dealing...
So they will stay away from me.

But for days the real me has become a recluse. Shielding my very being from dealing with you.
Sure I have cried. I have witnessed, I have become angry, I have shared, I have written, I have listened, I have watched people mourn, infact looking like I was mourning myself...but I have also been very lousy at faking the fact that I'm ok.
At first it was a slow process, but over the past month it has been a very fast paced fact of reality that I am driving myself into seclusion.
I'm back into my Confinement.

Confinement...

Confinement...only problem this time, is I don't have the ache to get out of it. Because if I come out, then I have to admit that you're gone.
And sure just like everything else I have said the words. Words put into riduclous phrazes like. 'He's gone' 'Michael died', 'Michael Jackson passed away'
Did I believe it...at first no. It took a couple days for the words even to come out right...Because they were never the words that I thought I would have to say...
But I said them, all the while it completely making me push you further and futher back into the pain. So that I didnt have to conciously think about it

Problem is...my subconcious hasnt stopped thinking about it. Which is where these dreams start coming into play.

You keep coming to me, in my dreams. With this light trailing behind you. The 'light' is starting to become very silly. I have strained and strained
to try and figure out what it is, or what it means. Funny that only one dream out of the half a dozen dreams of you that have been plauging my mind at night
has been about your actual death. The others remind me of the past, or a memory, or maybe a glimps into the new world. The only dream bout your death
is not one that I have told anyone, i havent spoken about it to anyone...and the only writing of it...is stashed away.
So no one can see it...it will sit in the folder that Celeste will receive hopefully years away... after my demise.
I don't believe its something that should be shared with anyone...and the fact that I have only had it twice
means something to me...as where these others are so frequently they are becoming an every day part of my life. Nothing ever changes, everything stays the same, sometime
I wish that they would, see if the story would continue...but then I sit back and think about it, and maybe this is a part of my subconcious conciously starting my healing process
for me.

If I could change anything in any of them it would be our black and white scenery, how does it feel dream.
I would just change one thing...or I should say I wish it would change at least one time for me...
so I could see if the message in which I believe I am getting...is right.
I wish so much I could speak back to you. So I could give you my answer.
Cause Michael
I can tell you now...how it feels.

There is only a couple people I can really talk to about this, about the stuff on the surface.
You can count them on one hand. And if I was completely to open up
and start grieving and mourning properly, my hand would become alot smaller.
People dont understand me...I dont believe they ever have. I dont believe there has been anyone who has.
Well maybe Jaime...but we know how that story ends.
People see/hear/and maybe understand part of the poet/writer of my being...the real me....I fear no one will ever see.
Do I want them to see? This is the question I pose to myself...everytime I turn someone away.
The very people that 'love' me...but how do i love love them back, when I am having a hard time loving myself right now.
And the hand has now become 2 fingers...how do I show them?
That I am completely losing myself, that I have lost the power...with no desire to gain myself back.
Destiny...if I had one...I dont have the ache to find it.

This confinement didnt start with you...you have just closed the door.
~You have ended it~