~Solitary~

Locked up
Inside...
This coffee cup
Confide...
Feelings stuck
Died...
No luck
Arise...
Memories suck
Memorized
Alone...
Confinement

*Silent Feet*
09.24.09
6:45am

~Confinement~

To some, it will seem as if I have started to stear my heart
in the right direction to meld my pain and tears together...
to mend this broken heart, that is completely aching for you.
But...I have come to the realization that
I have just pushed the idea, and the actual reality into the very back of my pain...
And im letting it seep through the surface.
Just enough to make the people around me and surrounding me believe that I am dealing...
So they will stay away from me.

But for days the real me has become a recluse. Shielding my very being from dealing with you.
Sure I have cried. I have witnessed, I have become angry, I have shared, I have written, I have listened, I have watched people mourn, infact looking like I was mourning myself...but I have also been very lousy at faking the fact that I'm ok.
At first it was a slow process, but over the past month it has been a very fast paced fact of reality that I am driving myself into seclusion.
I'm back into my Confinement.

Confinement...

Confinement...only problem this time, is I don't have the ache to get out of it. Because if I come out, then I have to admit that you're gone.
And sure just like everything else I have said the words. Words put into riduclous phrazes like. 'He's gone' 'Michael died', 'Michael Jackson passed away'
Did I believe it...at first no. It took a couple days for the words even to come out right...Because they were never the words that I thought I would have to say...
But I said them, all the while it completely making me push you further and futher back into the pain. So that I didnt have to conciously think about it

Problem is...my subconcious hasnt stopped thinking about it. Which is where these dreams start coming into play.

You keep coming to me, in my dreams. With this light trailing behind you. The 'light' is starting to become very silly. I have strained and strained
to try and figure out what it is, or what it means. Funny that only one dream out of the half a dozen dreams of you that have been plauging my mind at night
has been about your actual death. The others remind me of the past, or a memory, or maybe a glimps into the new world. The only dream bout your death
is not one that I have told anyone, i havent spoken about it to anyone...and the only writing of it...is stashed away.
So no one can see it...it will sit in the folder that Celeste will receive hopefully years away... after my demise.
I don't believe its something that should be shared with anyone...and the fact that I have only had it twice
means something to me...as where these others are so frequently they are becoming an every day part of my life. Nothing ever changes, everything stays the same, sometime
I wish that they would, see if the story would continue...but then I sit back and think about it, and maybe this is a part of my subconcious conciously starting my healing process
for me.

If I could change anything in any of them it would be our black and white scenery, how does it feel dream.
I would just change one thing...or I should say I wish it would change at least one time for me...
so I could see if the message in which I believe I am getting...is right.
I wish so much I could speak back to you. So I could give you my answer.
Cause Michael
I can tell you now...how it feels.

There is only a couple people I can really talk to about this, about the stuff on the surface.
You can count them on one hand. And if I was completely to open up
and start grieving and mourning properly, my hand would become alot smaller.
People dont understand me...I dont believe they ever have. I dont believe there has been anyone who has.
Well maybe Jaime...but we know how that story ends.
People see/hear/and maybe understand part of the poet/writer of my being...the real me....I fear no one will ever see.
Do I want them to see? This is the question I pose to myself...everytime I turn someone away.
The very people that 'love' me...but how do i love love them back, when I am having a hard time loving myself right now.
And the hand has now become 2 fingers...how do I show them?
That I am completely losing myself, that I have lost the power...with no desire to gain myself back.
Destiny...if I had one...I dont have the ache to find it.

This confinement didnt start with you...you have just closed the door.
~You have ended it~

~Written in the Sand~

I decided to walk today
Where; I didn't know
I had to get far, away
But with no particular place to go
I ended up at the beach
Beautifuly lit up by the setting sun
I saw your name written in the sand
Beside a crying child, his face in his hands

I felt compelled to say something
To give comfort in some way
The sobbing child began to sing
'Climb mountains if I can
When I come of age'

I can't see his face,
Just the shadow from the sun
I take a couple steps closer
and sit down beside him
As I sing along

I feel a sense of complete lonliness
Rising from his tiny tears
I place a hand on his shoulder
As the crying boy crumbled into my arms
Releasing all his fears

I looked down
at your name written in the sand
As water now hits our feet
and the little one takes my hand

The child rises to his feet
As he guides me to mine
Pulling our arms towards the sea
Closing his eyes
Still I could see

A gust a wind comes
And shuts my eyes
Water now dancing between my toes
As I hear the child whisper to me
'rAiN it's time to go'

Silently still I stood in place
Opening my eyes
I am humbled in your grace
I look down to the child in my hand
Who was,there now gone
Nothing left of him
But his tiny writing of you in the sand

I witnessed pure love
Today walking along this beach
visited by a memory of you
Reaching out to sea I realized you are finally free
A little child turned into a man
Now but a legacy...
And a beautiful name written in the sand

rAiNcRiEs
09.17.09
1:20am

~It's Not Easy~

"It may sound absurd; but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed; but won't you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away; away from me
It's all right; You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy; or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me."

Taken from the song "Superman (It's Not Easy) ~Five For Fighting